EXERCISEENVY: A FEELING OF DISCONTENTED OR RESENTFUL LONGING AROUSED BY SOMEONE ELSE’S POSSESSIONS, QUALITIES, OR LUCK (OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY)
Envy is a low-vibrational emotion that stems from a scarcity mindset. Your envy says to the universe, ‘When I see someone else with something that I want, I feel resentful because I don’t believe that I can have it for myself.’
INSPIRATION: A SUDDEN FEELING OF ENTHUSIASM, OR A NEW IDEA THAT HELPS YOU TO DO OR CREATE SOMETHING (MACMILLAN DICTIONARY)
Inspiration is a high-vibrational feeling that stems from an abundance mindset. Seeing something that you desire and feeling inspired by it says to the universe, ‘I believe there is enough for everyone, and I believe that I can have it too.’
Envy is one of those emotions you can physically feel rise up from within you. I often feel it in the pit of my stomach: it comes on like a wave of panic followed by a subtle lingering of frustration, anger and sadness all in one. Sometimes envy hits us right in the face, for example when a colleague gets the job promotion we applied for, or when we see a loved-up couple kissing at the traffic lights the day after our fiancé dumped us after seven seemingly blissful years. But more often than not envy is much more insidious in nature: it quietly creeps up on us, embeds itself within us and leaves us feeling discontented and dissatisfied with our lives without us even understanding why. While we mindlessly scroll through our social media feeds, our subconscious is being bombarded with images of perfection, with opportunities for comparison, with things we wish we had and with reasons to feel that our life is just not as good as somebody else’s.
Social media is a billion-dollar industry that is literally driven by envy: it actively encourages us to compare ourselves to others so that we buy what they have, while simultaneously encouraging us to post our own envy-inducing images to get us enough ‘likes’ or ‘comments’ to feel validated.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU COME OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE THAN YOU DID BEFORE YOU WENT ON?
A woman in one of my group coaching sessions said that over the last couple of months she had been dreading her Friday and Saturday evenings. When I asked her why, she said that it was because every weekend she would go on social media and see people out and about, socializing, going to bars, restaurants or parties, and that this would always make her feel jealous. The other women in the group all nodded along; they could relate to her experience. I asked her a simple question: ‘Do you actually want to go out every weekend?’ She said, ‘Yes, of course I do.’ Then I gently said, ‘Well, why do you choose to stay in? Because, if you really wanted to go out, you could surely find a way to do that?’ You could see the realization coming over her face as she thought about it. Of course, if she really wanted to, one of her friends would happily go out with her. Then she said, ‘Actually, I guess, although I enjoy going out for special occasions, on the whole I just love spending the evenings getting a delicious takeaway, watching a movie, putting on a face mask and having the chance to reset after a busy week at work.’ Then she explained that she really valued waking up fresh on Sundays because that was when she met up with her weekly running club. In that moment she realized that social media was making her feel envious of something she didn’t even want.
Social media is a playground for comparison and a fertile land for envy to grow in. We are shown endless images of who we think we should be or what our lives should look like. Whether it’s being constantly presented with the ‘perfect’ body, the dream home, a successful business, a heavenly holiday or an idyllic family, the ‘dream’ life is always being sold to us at the expense of our appreciation of our own.
This endless portrayal of the ‘perfect life’ can trigger envy all day long if we allow it to. But the ironic thing about it all is that we are envious of things that aren’t even real. So much of the content that we see online is staged, pre-planned, edited, airbrushed and fine-tuned for the sole purpose of making it look appealing and enviable. I’ve seen friends uploading perfect-couple selfies minutes after calling me to tell me they are about leave their partner because their toxic relationship has become so unbearable, and I’ve called friends to say, ‘Oh my goodness, your holiday looked just incredible,’ only for them to tell me that it was, in fact, the holiday from hell. We are shown a masked reality, a mirage, and we continue striving for them seemingly unaware that in doing so, we are merely searching for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
My own relationship with social media was completely toxic for many years. It was a place where I would go just to prove to myself that I was not enough. As I battled silently with depression, I would look at people on the internet posting pictures of themselves smiling, laughing, dancing, as if care-free, and the envy that overcame me was painful. I desperately wanted to feel that effortless joy they appeared to possess and I almost resented everyone else who seemed to be able to live life without immense sadness and debilitating self-loathing. My depression went hand in hand with my hedonistic partying phase and during that time I was also desperate to be part of the ‘cool’ social scene in London. I thought that if I could just be invited to the Love magazine Fashion Week party, I would finally feel validated. Or if I got a seat at the British Fashion Awards, I might feel worthy at last. Then, inevitably, Fashion Week or the Fashion Awards would come around and no invitation would come through the door. I would sit at home, open up Instagram, see everyone uploading their fabulous pictures and even more fabulous outfits and that familiar feeling of envy would take me over again. It was the envy that said to me, ‘You’re not as good as them,’ the envy that kept me, my self-worth and my vibe at a permanently low level. As I stared at my phone I felt just as I had done for the majority of my life, that I was on the outside looking in. Just as I was harming my body with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, I was harming my mind by deliberately exposing myself to things I knew would support my belief that I wasn’t enough.
We all know that we can self-sabotage with excessive drinking, shopping beyond our means, staying in toxic relationships and procrastinating on important tasks, but we can use social media to self-sabotage, too. I have one friend who just can’t seem to stop herself looking at her ex-boyfriend’s new partner’s profile. She stalks her page every day; it has become a part of her evening routine. She looks at her photos, makes assumptions about what her life must be like, then begins the comparison game, allowing the inevitable feelings of envy to take hold. She knows the harm it is doing to her self-esteem, but she can’t seem to stop herself.
My advice? Monitor and manage your social media usage. I should add a disclaimer here: I do actually love social media. All the platforms have so much to offer and, if used correctly, social media can inspire, motivate, connect and entertain us in the most wonderful ways. But in order to be able to enjoy all its benefits without the constant negative triggers, I advise you to do two things:
It is not only when we are on social media that we feel envious. In fact, more often than not we can feel envy much more deeply and intensely in relation to the people closest to us.
Has a friend ever told you about the surprise holiday their partner booked them, or how they’re feeling the best they have ever felt, and even though you want to be nothing but happy for them, you can’t help but feel jealous and envious? Or have you ever found yourself caught in sibling rivalry, stuck in a dynamic of constant arguing, and, deep down, you know that it’s only because you are jealous of how much more attention you feel they get from your parents?
It can feel really confusing when we feel jealous of the people we love. We ask ourselves, ‘If I really love this person, and if I am a good friend to them, how can I be jealous of them?’ Cue shame, guilt and self-judgement. The self-judgement can be so uncomfortable that it can cause us to try to deny our envy entirely. Have you ever denied your envy and reframed it to say something like ‘I just don’t like her,’ or ‘I never liked her,’ or ‘I would actually hate to have what she has?’ But no good can come from denied envy. When envy is buried, we trap the low-vibe emotions within us and they feed into our insecurities and low self-worth, which serves only to keep us further from our manifestation.
We all know that envy, especially when it is buried deep down, can cause people to act in ways that are unkind and unfair and sometimes just straight-up cruel. How many times have you been told that the reason someone is being nasty or rude to you is because they are secretly jealous? If we repeatedly deny our envy, its insidious nature strengthens. We transfer our envy and pass it on as judgement of others. It’s a horrible cycle. The most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves, and for those around us, is to first and foremost acknowledge how we are really feeling. Rather than push those feelings aside or suppress them, allow them to teach you something. For example, if you see someone with unwavering confidence walk into a room, instead of immediately passing judgement and saying something like ‘She’s so arrogant,’ maybe ask yourself if you admire and desire that confidence for yourself. Or if you see a couple kissing at a table beside you and you are about to judge their public display of affection, perhaps ask yourself, ‘Am I only passing judgement because I wish to be in a loving, passionate relationship?’
With some honest self-reflection, you can see your envy, acknowledge it and allow it to show you what you want and feel that you need more of in your life. Once we begin to recognize and embrace our feelings, rather than denying and judging them, we open up space to listen to what our feelings are telling us. However, before we do that, I thought it might be worth explaining why we judge our envy so intensely.
I’m going to tell you a story you have probably heard before. It is the story of Snow White. In this story, the wicked queen asks the magic mirror, ‘Who is the fairest of them all?’ When she sees that the reflection in the mirror is not of herself but of Snow White, her jealousy takes over. It drives her to order her loyal huntsman to kill the kind and beautiful Snow White. In this story, envy is portrayed to us as it always is: as something evil. In almost all children’s films and fairy tales there is a jealous villain (think Scar in The Lion King, the ugly stepsisters in Cinderella or Jaffar in Aladdin). We read these stories and watch these films as children, and so when we grow up and begin to experience feelings of jealousy ourselves, we panic. We attach shame to our envy because we associate it with evil.
But envy is not evil in itself. It is simply an emotion we feel when we are faced with something that makes us question our own self-worth. Envy does not always rear its head as the green-eyed monster we so often perceive it to be. No, more often than not, envy is simply a representation of our fear – a fear that we might lose something we love and are emotionally and energetically invested in. We fear that if someone else has something, we will somehow lose out (hello, scarcity mindset). Anyone who has ever started their own business will know what I mean: as we embark on something new that requires immense energy and investment, we can become hypersensitive to the success of others doing something similar to us.
I have a friend who had just become a personal trainer. Throughout the whole process of studying to get her qualification, she was so excited, optimistic and energized by the idea of it, and she would always look at other trainers for inspiration and motivation. But the moment she got her certification, envy took hold. She would text me, saying, ‘Did you see that so-and-so is now a personal trainer too? I can’t believe it.’ She became obsessed with looking at the other trainers in the area and comparing herself with them. But it wasn’t really envy, it was fear. She was afraid that after investing so much money and time into training for this, she might not acquire the number of clients she desired. The fear was driving her envy and it was blocking her from stepping into her power. She needed to first recognize that her envy was a symptom of her fear and then she needed to begin healing her own insecurities.
If envy is driven by fear, then that must mean we can use it to direct us to whatever limiting beliefs, insecurities or doubts are still blocking us from our manifestation.
The most effective way, then, to let go of envy, is to continuously work to remove the fear and doubt that is driving it. But as I mentioned in Step 2: Remove Fear and Doubt (see page 29), that process is ongoing. In the meantime, what can we do so that the low-vibe emotion doesn’t linger and block us from moving forward in our manifesting journey?
We can turn our envy into inspiration.
Inspiration is the antithesis of envy. While envy comes from the low-vibe place of scarcity, inspiration is high vibe and comes from a place of abundance. The panic that rises up when we feel jealous of someone is really just panic that their success will take away from our own opportunities. Envy says, ‘There is not enough,’ while inspiration says, ‘There is an endless supply.’
Whenever we experience envy, we have an opportunity to reframe our thinking and choose an inspired perspective that will push us closer towards our dreams.
ENVIOUS THOUGHT: ‘THIS IS SOMETHING THAT THEY HAVE, AND I CAN’T HAVE.’
INSPIRED THOUGHT: ‘THIS IS SOMETHING THAT THEY HAVE AND THAT I WOULD LIKE FOR MYSELF, TOO.’
I often have people coming to me wanting to manifest a relationship. The same people will nearly always tell me that when they see their friends in relationships, getting married or starting families, they really struggle to be happy for them. They see it as another reminder of how ‘far behind’ they are on their own journey and even use phrases like ‘It’s so unfair.’ I remind them that this feeling of envy comes from a mindset that there isn’t enough love to go around and this is actively blocking them from attracting their soulmate into their life. I encourage them to instead look at their friends’ relationships and turn their envy into inspiration by saying something like ‘I love seeing two people so happy together. It is so beautiful to watch, and I am so excited to experience that for myself when the time is right.’ It is such a simple mindset shift, but such an effective one.
Another example of where you can turn your envy into inspiration might be this. Imagine you bump into an old friend and you decide to go for a coffee and catch up. She tells you that after leaving school she started her own very successful tech business then sold it, enabling her to travel around the world for the last twelve months – hence her glowing, sun-kissed complexion. Notice how you feel physically, emotionally and mentally in response to that information. Do you feel that wave of panic culminating in the feelings of subtle sadness, discontentment and frustration that I described earlier? If so, first validate your experience by saying to yourself, ‘Hearing this has made me feel jealous/envious.’ Then remove judgement and replace it with self-love, compassion and kindness, remembering that it’s OK to feel that way. When you have done that, take the empowering decision to turn your envy into inspiration. You could choose an inspired thought, such as ‘I am so happy to see someone who has built a career for themselves that gave them the freedom to pursue their passion. Perhaps I will begin to explore how I can do this for myself.’ You can then use their success to inspire your own vision of what you want to manifest.
Remember: We live in a society where we see the media constantly tearing people down with provocative headlines that encourage trolling and judgement. This enables envy-driven behaviour. It normalizes judging and criticizing others for their actions. It gives people an opportunity to express their envy in a way that feels acceptable, and this is a dangerous cycle for everyone. We have to start to call out envy whenever it begins to surface. I have definitely found that group get-togethers or WhatsApp chats can easily turn to a gossip-fest that is fuelled by jealousy. It usually doesn’t take long for groups of friends to unite against one other person and talk negatively about them and their choices. This kind of behaviour is so low-vibe, and not only is it seriously unkind and a total waste of time, it also sabotages our own manifesting power. It is almost always driven by envy, even if we don’t like to admit it. When you see it happening, call it out or, at the very least, step away from these kinds of toxic conversations.
Tearing other people down is low vibe. Building people up is high vibe.
To support other people, to build them up, to celebrate them, to help them, to encourage them: that comes from a place of self-love and high self-worth. It shows the universe that you are not threatened by the success of others, you are inspired by it. That inspiration will drive you to your manifestation. If you keep putting that loving, magnetic and magical energy out into the universe, you will receive abundance. Building a community of love, connection and complete non-judgement is something I am always championing and encouraging, not least because it helps us all on our own manifesting journeys.
Turning envy into inspiration will not only pull you from low vibe to high vibe, it will also help you to gain more clarity on what you want to add to your vision board and it can help you to bring a visualization to life. For example, let’s say you want to manifest a winter wedding. While you may already feel strongly that this is what you want, it might only be when you attend a winter wedding and see it through your own eyes that you’re really able to visualize it clearly. Then, when you next go to do a visualization meditation or make your vision board, you will have a much more enriched and vivid image in your mind.
Turning envy into inspiration is a great tool to use when scrolling through social media, too. For example, if you are scrolling through your Instagram feed and see someone at a newly opened restaurant eating a delicious meal with a group of friends and you sense an ‘envy signal’, take a second to pause, acknowledge it and then turn the envy into inspiration by saying, ‘This is a place I want to go, I’ll add it to my list of places to book. I can’t wait to experience it for myself.’ Use those holiday pictures, couple selfies or interior pictures that come up on your feed to help you visualize the things you desire. Be inspired by the things you see and actively say to yourself, ‘This is something I want. This is something I know I deserve. This is what I am going to manifest.’
When we are inspired by other people’s accomplishments or experiences we show the universe that we believe the world has more than enough love, happiness and success to go around. And so that is what we will attract: more love, more happiness, more success.
I use this tool myself all the time: there are thousands and thousands of coaches, mentors, teachers and writers out there, and self-development is a fast-growing industry. If I were to compare myself to everyone else who does something similar to me, or if I allowed myself to feel envious of other people’s success, I would be forever stuck in a scarcity mindset. I would be triggered every single time I saw another person upload a self-development post, write for a magazine, host a workshop or release a book. Imagine how low my vibe would be if I allowed myself to sit in that space and how suffocating that envy would be! Instead, I choose to actively celebrate the success of others in my industry and I look to them with an honest feeling of awe and inspiration for all the wonderful things they do. I do this because I know, in my heart, that for the thousands of brilliant people out there coaching, teaching and writing, there are a million more people wanting to learn and be helped on their personal-development journeys. I see and believe in the abundance of opportunities to help, inspire and motivate others and so abundance comes to me in return. I don’t want to be the only one, or the best one, I only want to make my own mark in the world, however big or small that might be.
Make the choice to consistently turn your envy into inspiration.
Write down as many things you can think of that have recently triggered you to feel envy. Once you have done that, for each one write an alternative inspired perspective that you can choose to attach to instead.
Envious thought:
Inspired thought:
SEEK OUT INSPIRATION
If you want to progress even further in your manifesting journey, then not only should you turn your envy into inspiration, you should actively seek out inspiration. Seek out people who can inspire you and provide proof that it is more than possible to manifest anything that you desire.
Remember that inspiration is high vibe.
For example, if you want to manifest launching a successful sustainable-clothing brand, look at other sustainable-clothing brands who have had incredible success to show you that it is possible.
Looking for people to inspire you gives your conscious and subconscious mind proof that what you want to manifest is possible. This helps to remove any underlying doubts that it is not while helping you to enrich your visualization.
In Step 5: Embrace Gratitude (without caveats) (see page 109), I explained how integral gratitude is for our manifesting journeys. Envy and gratitude cannot coexist. When you feel jealous of someone else and of what they have, you cannot simultaneously be practising true gratitude for what you have. For example, you cannot be wholeheartedly grateful to have met your soulmate and be in a long-term committed relationship if you are feeling envious of your best friend’s single-girl escapades and adventures. This is just another reason why gratitude is so powerful.
When we practise more gratitude and when we really sit in that space of complete appreciation for all that we already have, we can celebrate those around us without envy taking over. I can honestly say that since practising and embracing gratitude (without caveats) myself, I have never been more supportive of the people around me.
Here are the four steps you need to take to turn envy into inspiration.
To acknowledge our envy, we need to be mindful of our thoughts so that we can catch it when it comes.
Instead, practise self-love by offering yourself compassion, kindness and non-judgement.
If you find yourself going to judge another person, ask yourself, ‘What is driving this judgement? What fear or doubt is driving this? What do they possess that I desire?’
At every opportunity to feel envious of something or someone, you have an equal opportunity to reframe your perspective and turn it into an opportunity to feel inspired.
A final thought on envy: Remember when I said that self-love underpins every step of manifesting? Well, this couldn’t be more relevant than here. The more compassion, non-judgement, love and kindness we can offer ourselves, the easier we will find it to transform our envy into inspiration. And the more we truly love who we are and the person we are becoming, the less likely it is that we will be triggered by the things that we see around us. When you love yourself unconditionally and when you are proud of the person you are today and the person you are becoming, there is no room for envy to live.