8 A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.

There is a reason why the other person thinks and acts as they do. Ferret out that reason—and you have the key to their actions, perhaps to their personality.

Try honestly to put yourself in their place.

If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save yourself time and irritation, for “by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.” And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.

“Stop a minute,” says Kenneth M. Goode in his book How to Turn People into Gold, “stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.”

Sam Douglas’s wife, Joan, spent too much time working on the yard of their Hempstead, New York, home. Or at least it seemed that way to Sam. As he told it, he frequently scoffed that all of Joan’s work fertilizing, mowing, and fussing over the lawn was wasted effort and that in fact the grass looked no better than when they had first moved in four years earlier.

What was Joan’s reaction to his criticism? Just what you think it was. A fight would ensue and then the day would be ruined.

This went on until Sam finally started thinking about why on God’s green earth his wife would spend her time in such useless labor. Then it crossed his mind that perhaps she didn’t care about producing a prize-winning lawn; that maybe the hard work was relaxing and enjoyable for her. It also occurred to him that Joan would welcome a genuine compliment on her labors rather than listen to his constant harping. Sam realized how foolish he had been and vowed to make a change.

The opportunity came when one evening Joan said she was going out to pull some weeds and invited him to keep her company. At first he declined. But on second thought he realized it was a chance to make up for his past insensitivity, so he went outside and began to help her pull weeds. She was delighted, and together they spent an hour in hard work and pleasant conversation, and he found that he had enjoyed helping.

After that, Sam often joined his wife when she gardened, and he never failed to compliment Joan on the marvelous job she was doing in coaxing even a small amount of grass out of the concrete soil.

What began with just one evening of pulling weeds led to a closer relationship with his wife—as well as a healthy appreciation for what it takes to make a lawn grow! More important, Sam learned to look at things from the other person’s point of view.

In his book Getting Through to People, Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg comments: “Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.”

Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming. Elizabeth Novak of New South Wales, Australia, was six weeks late with her car payment. “On a Friday,” she reported, “I received a nasty telephone call from the man who was handling my account informing me that if I did not come up with $122 by Monday morning I could anticipate further action from the company. I had no way of raising the money over the weekend, so when I received his call first thing on Monday morning I expected the worst. Instead of becoming upset I looked at the situation from his point of view. I apologized most sincerely for causing him so much inconvenience and remarked that I must be his most troublesome customer as this was not the first time I was behind in my payments. His tone of voice changed immediately, and he reassured me that I was far from being one of his really troublesome customers. He went on to tell me several examples of how rude his customers sometimes were, how they lied to him and often tried to avoid talking to him at all. I said nothing. I listened and let him pour out his troubles. Then, without any suggestion from me, he said it did not matter if I couldn’t pay all the money immediately. It would be all right if I paid him $20 by the end of the month and made up the balance whenever it was convenient for me to do so.”

Tomorrow, before asking anyone to buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from the other person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” True, this will take time, but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results—and with less friction and less shoe leather.

“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview,” said Dean Donham of the Harvard Business School, “than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.”

That is so important that I am going to repeat it in italics for the sake of emphasis.

I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.

If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing—an increased affinity to think always of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own—if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career.

PRINCIPLE 8

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.