Week Four

The flashlight of your attention moves outward, toward others.

What to Focus On This Week

This week’s new practice is not only about directing your flashlight toward other people, but also about having well-wishes for yourself, even and perhaps especially when you mind-wander or end up in the loop of doom. Big parts of this practice involve remembering that the human brain works this way by default, and then having kindness for yourself as you begin again.

Notice that Find Your Flashlight is still interleaved: this foundational practice is now reinforcing all three of the other practices. You draw on this key skill as you focus on body sensations, notice what arises in your mind, and practice directing well-wishes to yourself and others. Find Your Flashlight is the lifelong work of attention training: it reinforces all the other practices.

What Week Four Might Feel Like

You might notice that spending twelve minutes each day making well-wishes makes you more likely to be supportive instead of punitive, curious instead of righteous, hoping for the best instead of expecting the worst. You may find yourself more easily able to “see it from someone else’s eyes” during a disagreement. This is what reappraisal and perspective-taking look like in our lived experience.

Frequently Experienced Challenges

You may find that sometimes the phrases feel empty, as if you’re merely reciting a word salad, or the words lose their meaning. If this happens, remind yourself that this is a concentrative practice. You want to use each phrase as the complete focus of your attention. Slow it down. Understand each word. Fully comprehend its meaning. And if the phrases feel too prone to elaboration and mind-wandering, try to just use your inner speech to say the words, one by one. The key is to comprehend and extend the well-wishes, without checking out or diving into the story of each.

If you experience discomfort with directing phrases with well-wishes toward yourself, remember that this is part of the workout: we are intentionally practicing this new perspective. Notice this discomfort, but continue.

You may also feel nothing at all—this is normal! And it’s still doing the work—so keep going. The effects of the workout can show up much later. Here’s an example: You’re saying these things for a week or two, and you feel as if there’s nothing really going on. Then all of a sudden you’re about to raise your voice or snap at your spouse or child and you catch yourself, realizing that your intention is for them to be happy, and there might be a better way to say this. You can shift from reacting to responding. You end up communicating the same message, but without the reactive tone.

How Week Four Skills Will Show Up in Your Life

And finally—as always—integrate this into your day. You don’t have to be sitting with your eyes closed to extend well-wishes toward others, or even toward yourself. Again, layer this into your routine. Try it as you’re walking: With the cadence of your steps, say silently to yourself, May I be happy, may I be healthy. . . . Wish it for yourself or someone you know, or extend it toward any living thing that you see. Have you ever been in a store or other public setting and become annoyed with a person you don’t know? May you be happy! No reason to waste time occupying your thoughts with anger. You may notice that you are more easily able to “get on the same page” with people as you tune in to their mental models, or that interpersonal conflicts are more easily resolved, or that people you previously looked past come alive to you.