7It’s Not All Talk—It’s Listening, Too
7Well, this is it! You’ve just introduced yourself to someone new. You remembered to open your body language and keep your body, voice tone and words all saying the same thing. You were first with the eye contact and first with the smile. You introduced yourself, and miracle of miracles—three seconds have gone by and you can still remember the other person’s name. You’ve begun synchronizing, and you feel confident that rapport is building. But now what?
It’s conversation time! Conversation is one very significant way to build rapport and forge the bonds of friendship. It comes in two equally important parts: talking and listening. Or, as you’ll soon see, asking questions and actively listening.
You may have found yourself in a situation where you wanted to talk to someone but suddenly felt tongue-tied and self-conscious about doing so. Or maybe you’ve felt your stomach sink as you take your seat on an airplane next to some interesting-looking person and can’t think of a way to start talking without feeling self-conscious. What will they think of me? Am I boring? Am I intruding? And most important: How shall I start?
The idea is to get the other person talking, then find out what matters to him or her and synchronize yourself accordingly. This is the realm of small talk, the hunting ground for rapport. It is here that you will search for common interests and other stepping-stones to rapport. While big talk is serious stuff like nuclear disarmament and politics, small talk is everything else: your personal Website, renovating the bathroom, a speeding ticket or the color of your cousin Marisa’s new sports car.
Conversation is how we open other people up to see what’s inside, to deliver a message or both. And questions are the spark plugs of conversation. Be aware, however, that there are two types of questions: those that open people up and those that close them down. Questions work with incredible ease and the results are virtually guaranteed, so be sure you know which is which.
Here’s the difference. Open questions request an explanation and thus require the other person to do the talking. Closed questions elicit a “yes” or “no” response. The problem with closed questions is that once you’ve been given a response, you’re back where you started—and you’ll have to think of another question to maintain some semblance of conversation.
A simple formula for striking up a conversation: begin with a statement about the location or occasion, then ask an open question.
It’s a good idea to precede an open question with an opening statement. The best type of rapport-inducing statement is one linked to something you already have in common with the other person: the meeting or party you’re attending, some fascinating current event—even the weather will do in a pinch! We call this a location/occasion statement. Examples include: “What an elegant room.” “Look at all that food.” “It was a wonderful service.” “My wife knows a few of your piano pieces by heart.” “He never knew what hit him.” That sort of thing.
Next comes the open question: “Where do you think those vases came from?” “How well did you know him?” The very fact that your question is open will guarantee that you quickly receive free information.
Use opening-up words. Good conversation is like a leisurely game of tennis with the words being pitched back and forth for as long as there is mutual interest. When the words go off the court, it’s time to serve again. An open question is the equivalent of a well-aimed serve.
Open questions begin with one of six conversation-generating words: Who? When? What? Why? Where? How? These words invite an explanation, an opinion or a feeling: “How do you know that?” “Who told you?” “Where do you think this information comes from?” “When did you come to that conclusion?” “Why should I be interested?” “What good do these words do?” They assist us in establishing rapport and making connections because they oblige the other person to start talking and begin opening up.
You can boost these conversation generators by adding sensory-specific verbs: see, tell and feel. In doing this, you’re asking the person to go into his or her imagination and bring out something personal to show you. “Where do you see yourself by this time next year?” “Tell me why you decided on Bali for your vacation.” “How do you feel about calamari?”
Avoid closing-down words. These words will have you playing tennis all on your own against a brick wall. The opposite of opening-up words are these interrogatives: Are you … ? Do you … ? Have you … ?
In other words, any questioning forms of the verbs “to be,” “to have” and “to do” will close off your chances of rapport-inducing conversation. They elicit a one-word reply: “yes” or “no.” Then what? You have to ask another question. You’re going nowhere:
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Do you come here often?”
“No.”
“Have you ever thought how wonderful it would be to just drop everything and go bungee jumping in the middle of the afternoon?”
“Yes.”
“Did you realize that no matter how long and interesting you make your questions, if they begin with closing-down words you’re more than likely going to end up with a one-word answer?”
“Oh.”
For one whole day, do nothing but ask questions and answer questions with a question. For variety, ask only open questions. You’ll soon get the idea.
In fairness, closing-down words do have their place—police, customs officials and certain other regulators of the people are taught to use them to get “straight” answers. However, I’d like to remind any of you who have had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of this type of “conversation” that it probably didn’t make you like the person in 90 seconds or less!
There are times when you find yourself suddenly thrust into the presence of someone who’s just too good to pass up. These delicious moments seem to coincide with the exact second that your brain freezes over and you go gaga: Help, what do I say? What do I do? Where shall I look? What will people think? Keep going with this line of self-questioning and you’ll get the sweats, a palpitating heart, a beet-red face and goofy body language.
The easiest of these situations is when the two of you are thrust together: sitting next to each other on a train, plane or bus; riding in an elevator; waiting in a Laundromat or the lobby of a hotel; working in adjacent booths at a trade show; or checking out the cantaloupes to see if they’re ripe at your local supermarket. In situations such as these, you already have quite a bit in common with which to work.
“Hi,” “Hello” and “Good morning,” accompanied by a smile, are all good ways to begin and a great way to get feedback. A returned smile is a good indication that you’re on the right track. Keep it simple and unimposing; keep it courteous, happy and light. Don’t get too close and personal right up front, or you might get excluded. You want people to say to their friends, “I met this really nice guy this morning,” not “This disgusting pervert tried to hit on me.”
Once you’re sure the other person is responding favorably to the interaction, you can try some more specific opening lines. Not surprisingly, an opening line works better if it’s an open question, but you may not always be able to find one that sounds natural. Sometimes you might have to start with a closed question or a location/occasion statement: “Do you know what time this bank closes today?” or “Phew, that’s quite a storm.” So make sure you have an open question ready for the follow-up in case all you get in response is a yes or no.
Below are some examples of “openers” to try once you’ve said hello or exchanged smiles. Precede them all with a location/occasion statement.
Where are you from?
I’ve never been there. What’s it like?
How did you end up here?
How long are you going to be in Duluth/Stratford/Majorca?
Where are you from?
Have you always lived there? If yes, try: If I only had three hours to spend there, what should I see? If no, then: So where else have you lived?
How long will you be traveling for?
What do you think of Amtrak/Alitalia/these new Greyhound buses?
An interesting aside: When meeting someone for the first time, North Americans tend to ask, “What do you do?” whereas Europeans prefer “Where are you from?”
If you’re both standing in the fresh-fish line, staring at a pasta display or checking out avocados, you already have something in common.
How can you figure out if there are enough mussels in that bag for two people?
Can you tell me the difference between fresh pasta and the stuff in a box?
How can I tell if these are ripe?
Do you know where they keep the bags for the produce?
Have you ever tried this kind of sauce/frozen dessert/mushroom before? If yes, then: How does it taste?/What is it like? If no: Is there another kind that you’d recommend?
How long would you cook a chicken this big?
I forgot to pick up some pickled octopus. Do you mind saving my place in line? (This can be a good ice-breaker because you’ll have an excuse to chat when you get back—if only about the octopus. Don’t be gone long, though, or you’ll risk annoying the other party.)
Do you know where I can I get a map?
Have you stayed here before? If yes: What’s it like? If no: Neither have I. So how did you come to choose this hotel?
Do you know this city at all? If yes: I’ve got only one day here. What do you think is a must-see? If no: So what brings you here?
So where are you from?
What seminars have really grabbed you so far?
Do you know of any good restaurants outside of the hotel?
What did you think of the keynote speaker?
I’m going to get a coffee. Can I bring you one, too? (Note: This last gambit works in countless situations as a way to sound out other people’s level of interest. Usually, if they’re not interested, they’ll refuse your offer. If they accept, it often means they’re willing to interact further.)
Where can you get change around here?
Do you know where I can buy some postage stamps/orange juice/cat food?
I’m going to get a coffee—can I bring you one, too? (See above.)
Does it really matter if you mix whites and colors?
Why did you pick this movie/play/concert?
So are you here to see Scarlett Johansson or Jonathan Rhys Meyers?
What did you think of the actor/author/performer’s last film/play/CD?
Wow, what do you think of that?
Do you know where the vintage locomotives are?
What’s your favorite event/display/ride so far?
Have you seen the giant pumpkin yet?
What ride would you suggest for someone who’s afraid of heights?
He’s adorable. What breed is he?
Great leash. Where did you get it?
So what are Chihuahuas really like, anyway?
Tip: Dog owners often end up socializing in public places, but don’t get a dog unless you truly love animals!
Hi, I have a couple of tickets to a play/the circus/a concert, and I was wondering if you’d like to join me.
Hi, how nice to see you. Do you have time for a coffee?
In all of these situations, give the other person about three chances to interact. If after three questions or comments, he or she is clearly not responding enthusiastically, don’t make a pest of yourself. Disentangle graciously by saying something simple like “Have a nice day,” “Enjoy the show,” “Enjoy the rest of your flight/trip/holiday,” or whatever else is appropriate.
It’s actually easy to get free information from a stranger. This doesn’t mean trying to learn someone’s credit card number. What it means is learning the other person’s name, interests, personal situation and more. As you will see, almost everybody is more than eager to give away this information if it’s requested in the proper way.
In fact, people will tend to follow your lead in offering information. That’s why you say your name first. And the more you give, the more they will, too.
If you say, “Hi, I’m Carlos,” you’re likely to get “Hi, I’m Paul.”
If you start with “Hi, I’m Carlos García,” you’ll probably get “Hi, I’m Paul Tanaka.”
And if you start with “Hi, I’m Carlos García, I’m a friend of Gail’s,” Paul will probably respond in a similar way: “Hi, I’m Paul Tanaka, and I work with Gail’s husband.”
When you add information tags to your name, people tend to respond to them because you’ve offered them the opportunity. If they don’t respond, you’ve at least set up the situation. They know what you want, so give them a little encouragement. A raised eyebrow or a straight-out “And you?” will spur them on.
The idea is to respectfully gather as much information as possible by first offering information about yourself. You can use this information to broaden and deepen your rapport. This is something to get your teeth into. You are building momentum.
Mike arrives at the train station five minutes earlier than usual. It’s a warm, misty morning, and there are about 20 other people on the platform. Most of the usual commuter crowd hasn’t shown up yet. Mike tucks his newspaper under his arm, stirs his coffee with a plastic stirrer, then turns and flicks the stirrer successfully into the garbage can just behind him. As he moves back to his spot, he notices an auburn-haired young woman in a dark gray suit walking toward him. The woman stops about 10 feet away and sits on a bench. She carefully places her briefcase next to her and looks at her watch.
Mike casts a sideways glance at her, half closing his eyes and pursing his lips slightly in appreciation. He has found himself in this type of situation almost more often than he cares to remember: eyeing someone, longing to approach her and yet scared stiff at the prospect of making the connection. This time, he reminds himself that all he wants to do is start a conversation and get the young woman talking. His objective is not to have dinner with her tonight, not to go on holiday with her next Saturday, not to marry her by the end of the month. Just to say a few words to see if she wants to be friendly. He says the most obvious thing he can think of:
“Hi, do you mind if I sit here?”
The woman moves slightly to her left. “No, I don’t mind,” she murmurs, and Mike sits down.
“I haven’t seen you at the station before,” he says.
“This is my first day,” she responds. “I’m starting work in an ad agency in town.”
“The train gets pretty crowded at this time,” Mike says, “but sometimes you can get a seat all the way.”
Mike missed out on the free information. First day, ad agency. He should have picked up on this and used the conversation starters: where, what, why, when, who and how. What will you do there? Who are your main clients? Where is the agency? How did you get the job?
All right, let’s try it from a woman’s point of view:
Dorita, a website designer, is walking along the platform and sees an attractive if rather tired-looking man seated on a bench. She sits down beside him and notices he’s reading the latest P.D. James mystery. P.D. James is her favorite author! He smiles at her as she sits, and knowing that they have the book in common, she smiles back.
But the man has gone back to reading. Dorita decides to plunge ahead.
“So, are you a P.D. James fan?”
“No,” says the man. “Would you believe this is only the second mystery I’ve ever read?”
“I don’t get much time for reading. I’m a resident at a hospital in the city.”
“Well, I’ve read all her books. She’s my favorite mystery author. Although I also like Dick Francis a lot.”
What response can Dorita expect? The last thing out of her mouth is a series of statements, not questions. Dorita was on track with her second query, a “why” question, but then she ignored the free information the man had given her. Instead, she went on to talk about herself. If she’d been listening actively, she would have followed up with “Which hospital? A resident in what? Why did you pick that specialty?”—the “where,” “what” and “why” that would have led to further conversation.
Listening is the other side of the conversation coin. As a good active listener, you must demonstrate that you’re truly interested in the other person. The key to being an active listener lies in making a sincere effort to absorb what that person is saying and feeling.
Listening is different from hearing. You may hear a cello as part of an orchestra, but when you actively listen to that same cello, you’re consciously focused on every note and absorbing the emotion.
Active listening is an active attempt to grasp and understand the facts and the underlying feelings of what is being said. It does not mean giving up your own opinions and feelings, but it does mean that you’re there to empathize as much as possible. You can show how much you understand by giving the appropriate feedback. Listen with your eyes. Listen with your body. Nod your head. Look at the person. Keep your stance open and leaning. Encourage the other person verbally.
A distinction should be made here between the “parrot phrasing” school of listening and the “active” school. Parrot phrasing, or paraphrasing, involves giving back a more or less accurate version of what another person has just said.
Paul: “How have you been affected by the terrible weather we’ve been having?”
Cathy: “I love heat waves like this, but the man I’m seeing is threatening to move to Alaska without me and I think he’s actually serious.”
Paul: “Sounds like even though you love heat waves, you might have to move to Alaska if you want to stay with the man you’re seeing.”
The active school means responding to feelings:
Paul: “Sounds like you have some big decisions to make. Isn’t it upsetting? How will you handle it?”
Simply put, with “parrot phrasing” it only sounds like you’re listening, whereas with active listening people feel that you’re listening and feel that you care.
Give spoken feedback. Get inside what the person is saying. This kind of feedback ranges from “Primal Sighs” and “International Grunts” like “Wow,” “Aha,” “Oh” and “Hm” (as you can imagine, these are difficult to demonstrate in a book) all the way to full-blown reactions like “Oh, really,” “And then what?” and “You’re not serious. So, what did she do?” Any kind of encouragement is welcome in a conversation; it keeps the ball rolling and shows that you’re listening even though you’re not saying much.
Give physical feedback. Use open, encouraging body language. Nod in agreement and use plenty of eye contact, but don’t stare. Look away in thought (looking at your hands from time to time gives the impression of participation). If you’re sitting in a chair, move to the front edge of your seat and look interested or enthusiastic. If you’re standing, point your heart at the other person, nod from time to time, and look thoughtful, surprised or amused, or whatever your Really Useful Attitude inspires as an appropriate response to what the person is saying.
With practice, easy, natural conversation will become second nature to you. Here are some handy tips to work on as you develop and improve. First, as ever, assume a Really Useful Attitude. Be curious and show concern for others. Encourage them to talk with you by giving sincere feedback. Work toward finding common interests, goals and experiences, and communicate with enthusiasm, knowledge and interest.
Futility is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
At the same time, hold up your own end of the conversation. Speak clearly and deliberately. Slowing down your rate of speech will make you feel more confident; so will a low-key display of your sense of humor. It helps if you keep abreast of current events and the issues that affect our lives, so read a newspaper every day and be up to date on what’s going on in the world—the big issues, at least. In my seminars I have the participants prepare their own “10-second commercial.” It’s really just a way of telling others who you are and what you do in a few short sentences.
Be yourself. People will like you for who you are. The more you learn to relax, the easier this will become.
All conversation, big or small, is about painting word pictures of your experiences for other people. The more vividly you can convey these experiences, the more interesting people will think you are.
Here’s a serviceable description of an everyday event:
“We stood in line for the streetcar for more than 20 minutes. I was so fed up.”
There’s nothing here to engage the other person’s imagination. Instead of talking in black and white, learn to talk in color. Involve as many senses as you can in your conversation. Describe what things look like, what they sound like, how they make you feel and, if appropriate, what they smell and taste like:
“It was amazing standing there in silence among all those people. The rain had just stopped, and my collar was wet. The lights of the buildings were shining in the puddles, and the hot dog vendor behind us was wringing out …”
This is sensory-rich language, and the imagination—yours and theirs—revels in it.
Accept all compliments graciously. Do it simply. Do it directly. Avoid the temptation to be too modest or self-effacing. The standard two-word response to a compliment is “Thank you.” Then, if you choose to convert it into a conversation, go ahead and do so. A compliment with an interesting but less than gracious acknowledgment might go as follows:
“Marion, that’s a beautifully tailored skirt.”
“Thanks, I got it for six bucks down at the Salvation Army store.”
A much simpler and rapport-enhancing response would be “Thank you, it’s nice of you to notice.” Such a compliment should also be acknowledged with eye contact, a smile and a pleasant tone of voice.
Compliments are fine as long as they are sincere. Exaggerated or false compliments destroy credibility and endanger whatever rapport has been established. Cheap flattery, tired clichés and patronizing remarks reek of insincerity and can be insulting. On the other hand, an honest expression of praise can reinforce self-confidence and even lift the rapport onto a more heart-felt, personal level.
If you notice something good or interesting about someone, or a praiseworthy performance, then a compliment is in order. Avoid general words like “nice,” “good” and “great.” “Nice suit”—big deal! “Blue really suits you” sounds better. “You’re such a good person” sounds like a buildup to being dumped. “You bring out the best in everyone”—now, that’s a compliment.
Specific compliments usually come across as being more sincere than general compliments. “Great soup” won’t stimulate your host or hostess as much as “Was that the tiniest hint of fresh dill I just tasted? You’ve done it again!” If you’re complimenting performance, take the trouble to go into detail. “You were wonderful today” is not half as powerful as “You handled that question about the nursing home without flinching. That was an impressive strategy.”
Deliver your compliment the same way you do your greeting: open your heart and your body, look directly at the person, speak with a clear, enthusiastic voice, give specific praise and remember to give the person time to respond.
Sound Effects
Your tone of voice tells other people how you’re feeling, and a pleasing tonality can positively affect the way they respond to you. Pleasing tonality occurs when your voice comes from deep down in your body, from your abdomen. It is deep, rich and infectious, compared to a monotonous voice or high-pitched braying.
To improve your own tonality, practice breathing and speaking from your abdomen. “Belly breathing,” which uses your lungs to the fullest, is the most calming and healthy way to breathe. You breathe more slowly and with less stress. Contrast this to chest breathing, which is the way about 60% of the population get their air. Chest breathing is panicky, fightor-flight breathing—just a series of long pants. Naturally, if you breathe from your chest, you will speak from the chest.
Put the palm of one hand gently on your chest and the palm of the other gently on your abdomen. Practice breathing until the hand on your chest doesn’t move in and out and the hand on your abdomen does. When you’ve got it, take away your hands and just keep breathing that way—for the rest of your life. You’ll notice that when you get nervous or excited, your breathing will return to your chest. Be aware of this, and take it back down; you’ll immediately feel calmer.
Repeat this exercise with your hands on the place where your voice originates. Move your voice from your chest to your abdomen. It should sound lower, richer and a little slower—which is exactly the way you want it to be for establishing instant rapport and making people like you in 90 seconds or less.
Read the list of “don’ts” below. If you catch yourself doing any of them, you may have abandoned your Really Useful Attitude or chosen a useless attitude by mistake:
Don’t interrupt, and don’t end other people’s sentences for them, no matter how enthusiastic or impatient you might be.
Take Dale Carnegie’s advice. Don’t complain, don’t condemn and don’t criticize.
Whenever possible, avoid giving one-word answers; they don’t usually qualify as conversation, and they put a heavy strain on rapport. People who monopolize conversations also trample all over rapport because there is little or no room to find common ground. They just come off as being rude or boring.
There’s nothing quite so disconcerting as talking to someone who is looking elsewhere. If this happens to you, excuse yourself as fast as possible. People who do this are incongruent and, frankly, just plain rude.
Finally, look out for bad breath and all the other nasty personal hygiene stuff. No excuses here. Dragon breath, BO and spinach in the teeth might not make you any less lovable in the eyes of your golden retriever, but they won’t do anything for you at the office party.
What good is meeting someone for the first time, creating a favorable impression and establishing rapport if two weeks later the person has forgotten you? It’s like writing a terrific story on your computer and forgetting where you filed it. Give other people a reason to remember you, and they will. The mind delights in making connections.
You’ll remember from Professor Mehrabian’s work on believability that face-to-face communication was broken up into 55% the way we look, 38% the way we sound and 7% the actual words we use. Something similar holds true for memory. Other studies show that what people see has about three times as much impact as what they hear.
Ask yourself these questions: How can I stand out from the rest? Is there a persona or some little touch of style I can create for myself? All kinds of things can give you an image: a fresh cornflower worn in the lapel or discreet, very expensive frames for your eyeglasses; beautiful vests, impeccable shoes, a bow tie, Mario Batali’s orange clogs; Julianne Moore’s hair or Goldie Hawn’s laugh.
A friend of mine works for a national chain of mega-stores that sells computers and stereos. “I used to spend half an hour explaining the features of a product,” she told me, “and then the customer would go away to think about it. He would come back another day, go up to the first salesperson he saw and make the purchase. It didn’t matter that he had my card or that I gave him so much time; the chances of his coming back to me personally were slim. Then I hit on a way to be memorable. Because I’m from Newfoundland, I tell customers to ask for the ‘Newfie’ when they come back or phone the store.” In Canada, a “Newfie” is often the target of dumb, stereotypical jokes, but my friend used this verbal image to her advantage. It is a handle or, if you prefer, a container to hold and access a whole package of previously stored information.
Find something to set you apart from the rest. Give them something to remember you by.
Jill and Robin, two middle-aged ladies, are sitting across from each other at a table in a French restaurant. They’re halfway through lunch when several people are shown to a table nearby. A young woman in the group recognizes Jill and lets out a gasp of delight. She was a student in one of Jill’s classes several years ago.
After many hugs and exclamations, Jill turns to her lunch companion: “Robin, this is Edwina. She was one of my most wonderful students back in my days in Stratford. I’ll never forget—she had these rituals for organizing herself and her work. Everything had its own special place and order at her desk. Sometimes she drove me crazy, but it always used to fascinate me how meticulous she was.”
“Nice to meet you,” Robin says, taking Edwina’s hand.
“So tell me, Edwina, what are you doing these days?” Jill asks.
Edwina proceeds to tell Jill about her work as associate producer on a local TV show, and then adds: “There are quite a few of us there from school. Do you remember Suzanne Sparks?”
“No, I’m sorry, I can’t quite picture her,” Jill says, searching about with her eyes.
“You know, the one who always came to class in those crazy leather vests.”
“Oh yes, of course.” Jill turns to Robin, including her in the picture. “Suzanne was a terrific painter. I believe she spoke Spanish and German, too. Does she still have that mop of spiky red hair?” she asks, turning back to Edwina.
“No. She’s long and blond now, and she’s our director of programming. And what about Toni?” Edwina continues. “She’s at the station, too.”
“Now, which one was Toni?” Jill asks.
“Toni March. She was always really friendly. Lived out in Malton.” When Jill gives no sign of recognition, Edwina says: “She was such a hard worker.”
“Sorry, dear, I can’t quite place Toni. Who else?”
“Greg Cuddy. He’s our sales manager.”
“No! Not Greg with the nose ring?” Jill shakes her head in disbelief. “Greg Cuddy was such a nervous young man. He drove his mother’s pickup truck everywhere. If memory serves me correctly, he ran a train-spotting site on the Internet. He published a newsletter and had people from …”
Jill invites Edwina to join them at their table, and her friends at the other table order lunch without her as the reminiscing continues.
The point of this story is that it’s easy for Jill to recall her former students when her memory is triggered by an image. People are more likely to be remembered if they have some kind of handle—some kind of device that makes them stand out from the crowd.