6People Like People Like Themselves
6My neighbor down the road loves to fish. So do his two sons, who, by the way, look like their dad and walk like him. What a bond! I don’t fish, and neither do any of my five children, but we share the same sense of humor. What a relief! My aunt in Scotland is a medical doctor, and so is her daughter. They think alike. Another coincidence? The plumber in our village comes from three generations of plumbers. The woman who sold me a big ripe Gouda cheese at the Wednesday market in Leiden, just outside Amsterdam, had her mother and her daughter working for her. All dressed the same.
What’s going on here? Is there some kind of pattern emerging? How come they are so much alike? They have all grown up with harmonious behavior on many levels, physical and mental. They have synchrony.
Since he was only three years old, my neighbor’s youngest son has handled a fishing rod with great respect, just like his dad. He sits a certain way, just like his dad, and when he’s threading the hook, he glances at his father from moment to moment to see if he’s doing it correctly: a certain, almost imperceptible expression says “continue,” another says “be careful” and yet another says “no, you’ve got it wrong.” The boy uses his own instincts to learn from his father, along with very subtle guidance from his father’s expressions and body language and at times his gentle, encouraging voice. Now he can do it, just like his dad.
We learn our life skills through guidance and rapport with others. As we continually pick up signals from our parents, peers, teachers, coaches, TV, movies and our environment, our behavior is modulated and organized by synchronizing ourselves with the conduct of others and adjusting to their emotional feedback. Unwittingly, we have been synchronizing ourselves with other people since birth. A baby’s body rhythms are synchronized with those of her mother. An infant’s mood is influenced by his father’s mood, a child’s favorite toys are selected to keep pace with her peers, a teen’s tastes must conform to what’s cool and an adult’s preferences are influenced by partner, friends and the community.
All day long, we synchronize ourselves with those around us. We do it all the time. We thrive on it, and we can’t exist without it. We are always influencing each other’s behavior; every moment we are with other people, we make minute adjustments to our behavior, and they to ours. This is what synchrony is all about. We process the signals unconsciously and transmit them to each other through our emotions. It is how we draw our strength and convictions; it is how we feel safe. It is how we evolve. And it is why people like, trust and feel comfortable with people who are just like them.
People hire people like themselves.
People buy from people like themselves.
People date people like themselves.
People lend money to people like themselves.
And so on—ad infinitum.
Perhaps you’ve noticed that you take to some people immediately upon meeting them for the first time and yet feel no rapport at all with other new people. Or you might even feel an instant dislike for some people. This is something we’ve all experienced, but have you ever stopped to wonder why this happens? Why is it that with certain people you feel the natural trust and comfort that comes with rapport? Think back over the last week to some of the people you met in your adventures. Go over the meetings in your mind and relive them. What was it about the people you liked that made you like them? Chances are you shared something—interests or attitudes or ways of moving. People who get on well together usually have things in common. Those who share similar ideas, have the same taste in music or food, read similar books or like the same holidays, hobbies, sports or vacation spots will feel immediately comfortable with one another and like each other better than those who have nothing in common.
When I lecture, I go over to a large blackboard and write:
I LIKE YOU!
Then I add the tiny, two-letter word “am” between the first and second words of that joyous phrase so that it now reads:
I AM LIKE YOU!
The fact is that we like people who are like us. We are at ease with people who feel familiar (where do you think the word “familiar” comes from?). Look to your close friends. The reason you get along so well with them is that you have similar opinions, maybe even similar ways of doing things. Sure, you will often find plenty to differ on and argue about, but essentially you are like each other.
People with similar interests have natural rapport. If you share an interest in motor sports with one of the guys at the office, this can become a basis for rapport. Or perhaps you have two toddlers and go to the park every afternoon to meet up with other mothers in the same circumstances; this is again a basis for rapport. You’ve heard the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”—well, quite simply, people are comfortable when they are surrounded by people like themselves.
Rapport by chance holds true not just on the surface but underneath as well. Shared beliefs, appearance, tastes and circumstance all contribute to rapport. Perhaps you feel comfortable around people with fluent, expressive voices or sensitive people who speak softly and slowly. Maybe you enjoy the company of people who share their feelings when they communicate or those who get straight to the point and don’t mince their words. When you establish rapport by chance, you have come across someone who grew up with or developed a style similar to your own.
But why wait for rapport to happen naturally? Why not go straight into synchronizing with other people’s behavior as soon as you meet them? Why not invest 90 seconds or less of your time to establish rapport by design?
Look around any restaurant, coffee shop, mall or other public place where people meet each other and look around to see which ones are “in rapport” and which ones aren’t. The ones who have rapport sit together in the same way. Notice how they lean toward one another. Notice their leg and arm positions. Those in rapport are synchronized almost like dancers: one picks up a cup, the other follows; one leans back, the other does the same; one talks softly, the other talks softly. The dance goes on: body position, rhythm, tone of voice. Now look for those people who are clearly together but not synchronized, and observe the differences. Which pairs or groups appear to be having a better time?
I recently gave a speech at an auditorium in London, and right there, about 10 rows back, was a beautiful couple. Both were immaculately dressed, with great attention to color and detail. When I noticed them, they were sitting in the identical position, leaning to the right with their hands folded close to their respective armrests. Then, as if responding to a prearranged signal, they both transferred their weight onto the other armrest, like synchronized swimmers, nodding and smiling in unison. They confirmed everything I was saying. I caught up with them afterward and learned that they had been married for 47 years; they were fit, healthy, happy and totally synchronized.
Our goal, then, is to discover the structure of synchrony and modify it to apply to the different types of people we meet. The key to establishing rapport is learning how to synchronize what Professor Mehrabian called the three “V’s” of consistent human communication—the visual, the vocal and the verbal—in order to connect with other people by becoming as much like them as possible.
But doesn’t this mean I’m being phony or insincere? No. You are doing what comes naturally. Watch a tree fall on someone in the movies and you flinch. See a wrestler get booted in the stomach and you wince. Someone smiles at you, you feel the urge to smile back; someone yawns, you want to yawn too; same goes for crying. We synchronize unconsciously all day long.
Synchronizing is a way of adapting to others. And remember, we’re only talking about a minute and a half! You’re not being asked to engineer a total personality change. All you are doing is speeding up what would happen naturally if you had more time. The idea is not to make your movements, tone and words obvious copies of the other person’s, but rather to do the same kind of thing you do with a friend.
Often, when you travel in a foreign country, the plug of your hair dryer or electric shaver will just not fit into the outlet—you need an adapter to make it work, a connecting device that will let you plug the thing in and power it up. It’s precisely the same thing when you plug into other people. Like the hair dryer or the electric shaver, you must have an adapter. So think of synchronizing as an adapting device that allows you to make smooth connections at will and quickly. Synchronizing is a way to make the other person become open, relaxed and happy to be with you. You just do what they do; you become like them until the other person thinks, I don’t know what it is about this person, but there’s something I really like!
Think of synchronizing as rowing your boat alongside another person’s rowboat, pointing it in the same direction at the same speed and picking up the other person’s pace, stroke, breathing pattern, mood and point of view. As he rows, you row.
One evening a few years ago, I was sitting in the chalet of a ski club, waiting for my two youngest children to finish night skiing. Suddenly in walked a neighbor, a lawyer who had been on polite “nodding” terms with my family. When I saw him arrive, I made up my mind to try out some simple synchronizing on him. I decided on the outcome I wanted (remember, know what you want) and that I would continue synchronizing until he made a definite gesture of friendship. I calmly stood up and he spotted me. We met in the middle of the large room.
“Hi there,” he said with a tight-lipped smile as he shook my hand.
Matching the tone of his voice overall and his body stance, I echoed: “Hi there!”
He placed one hand on his hip, and with the other pointed out the chalet window. “Just waiting for my kids to finish!”
“Me, too,” I said, mirroring his gestures. “I’m waiting for my kids to finish.”
I synchronized him, respectfully, for less than 30 seconds of normal, innocent conversation. Then he suddenly blurted out, “You know something? We really don’t see enough of you and your family. Why don’t you come by for dinner one night?”
We set the date right there and then. I could almost read what had happened by the way his mouth twisted. He was thinking, There’s something about this guy I really like, but I’m not quite sure what it is. Obviously, if he felt I’d been copying him, he’d have never issued the invitation!
I had approached him with a Really Useful Attitude of warmth that, even though I was synchronizing him, I kept fairly close to the surface. I faced him and immediately took on his overall posture and used similar gestures and facial expressions. The vocal part, his voice tone and speed, was easy to fall in with. And I used similar words. It sounds more complicated than it actually was. The whole thing took only a few seconds. It was fun and it felt good. I really did want to get to know him better, and this seemed the perfect opportunity. I’m sure we both experienced the thrill that only people can generate in people—the thrill of making new connections. There is absolutely nothing in this world as exciting and rewarding as connecting and developing a rapport that can lead to a new friendship or relationship.
What about difficult people? I am often asked what you’re supposed to do when you meet somebody who is all bundled up with defensiveness: tight jaw, arms crossed defensively or hands jammed into pockets. Or the best way to handle a bully, a shy person, a complainer or someone who is arrogant or overly aggressive. It is not the purpose of this book to give detailed instructions on dealing with difficult people, but here are some guidelines.
Rule number one when encountering a difficult person is to ask yourself this question: “Do I really need to deal with this person?” If the answer is no, then leave him or her alone. If the answer is yes, ask yourself what it is that you want. What is your desired outcome? Not what you don’t want. (Remember KFC? If not, see page 22.)
When synchronizing “difficult people,” it’s vital that you do it in a nonthreatening way. Once you have matched your body and tone with theirs, you can begin to “lead” them out of it. Unfold your arms, relax your shoulders and check to see if they follow your lead; if they don’t, get back into your original position for a minute or so and try again.
A word about shy people: try to find out what they’re interested in. Synchronize their body movements and voice tone, and unhurriedly ask them lots of open-ended questions (see the next chapter) until you get a glimmer of enthusiasm. Take on their attitude, and then little by little lead them out of it. Lean or sit forward and see if they follow; if not, go back to where you were and synchronize any little thing you can. You’ll be surprised at how well this works.
When do I start synchronizing? Try not to let more than two or three seconds go by before you start. Remember the sequence in Chapter 2: Open (Really Useful Attitude and open body language)—Heart (pointed at the person)—Eye (first with the eye contact)—Beam (first with the smile)—“Hi!” (introduce yourself)—Lean (indicate interest as you start synchronizing).
Anything that increases the common ground and reduces the distance between you and the other person is a good thing. And the quickest way to accomplish this is to synchronize with the person—in other words, adopt the same attitude, overall body language and voice tone.
The Bully
Mr. Szabo, the owner of a large chain of supermarkets, is well known among the trade for his intimidating manner. One day, he summoned the product managers of three competitive, nationally recognized brands to meet him at one of his outlets. He led the three product managers to the aisle in which their products were displayed and proceeded to scold them for what he perceived to be the disgraceful state of their product facing. As he waved his arms about, pointing out what was wrong, he raised and lowered his voice, occasionally pausing to stare at them individually and even jabbing one of them, Paul, on the shoulder with his finger. At the end of his tirade, two of the browbeaten individuals nodded and made excuses, which gave Mr. Szabo even more ammunition to use against them.
Ever since Mr. Szabo had begun his rant, Paul had been skillfully synchronizing Szabo’s mood and general mannerisms. When it came time for him to respond to the irate owner, he almost became Mr. Szabo—but in a completely nonthreatening way. He used similar arm gestures, tonality, pauses and attitude, and he even jabbed Mr. Szabo on the shoulder as he said, “You’re absolutely right.”
As they talked back and forth for a minute or so, Paul calmed down his own gestures, and Mr. Szabo followed. When they finished talking, Mr. Szabo put his arm around Paul’s shoulder and led him to the end of the aisle. There he collared one of the store staff and said to him, “Give this man any help he needs.”
Paul had successfully joined Mr. Szabo in his world and led him quickly, skillfully and respectfully to his own desired outcome.
Synchronizing attitude—or multiple congruity, to give it its scientific name—takes into account location and mood. It is also frequently supportive, as when a friend is challenged and you “take a stand” with him, or a parent deeply relates to a child’s problem with a class assignment, or you share the exhilaration your partner feels over a promotion. When people “go through things together,” they will often be synchronized right down to primal sighs of despair or shouts of joy.
Pick up on other people’s feelings. Synchronize their movements, breathing pattern and expression as you “deeply identify” with them. Tune in to the overall mood suggested by their voice and reflect it back.
As you already know, body language accounts for 55% of our communication. It is the most obvious, easiest and most rewarding feature to synchronize on your way to rapport. If you get nothing else out of this book but the ability to synchronize other people’s body language, you’ll be miles ahead of where you were last month.
Synchronizing body language falls into two loose groupings: matching, which means doing the same thing as the other person (she moves her left hand, you move your left hand), and mirroring, which means, as it implies, moving as if you were watching the other person in a mirror (he moves his left hand, you move your right).
Maybe you’re thinking, But won’t other people notice that I’m copying their behavior? Actually, they won’t, unless the copying is blatant. Remember, your movements must be subtle and respectful. If someone sticks a finger in his ear and you do the same, then yes, he’ll probably notice that. But when a person is focused on a conversation, he or she will not pick up on subtle synchronizing.
Particular gestures. Hand and arm movements are especially easy and natural to synchronize by matching and mirroring. Some folks raise their shoulders when they talk; others wave their hands around as they express themselves. Do whatever they do. If you find it uncomfortable at first, then go at it a little at a time until with practice you become an expert synchronizer. Just the fact that you’re noticing these different types of gestures is a big step in the direction of making people like you in 90 seconds or less.
Body posture. Overall posture is known as the attitude of the body. It shows how people present themselves and is a good indicator of emotional state. That is why we sometimes refer to it as “adopting a posture.” When you can accurately adopt a person’s posture, you can get a fair idea of how he or she feels.
Overall body movements. Whether it’s a job interview or striking up a conversation at the museum fund-raiser, observe the person’s overall body movements, then gently mirror or match them. If he has a leg crossed, then cross a leg; if he’s leaning against the grand piano, do it, too. If she’s sitting sideways on the banquette, sit sideways; if she’s standing with her hands on her hips, do the same. Body movements like leaning, walking and turning are easily synchronized.
Head tilts and nods. These are the simplest movements to synchronize. Fashion photographers know that most of the “feel” of a terrific cover shot comes from the “innuendo” created by subtle tilts and nods of the head. Sure, the face is important, but it’s the angles that carry the message. Pay close attention to them. Most good physicians and therapists find that they synchronize tilts and nods without giving it a second thought. It says “I hear you, I see what you’re saying and I feel for you.”
Facial expressions. Along with tilts and nods, synchronized facial expressions show agreement and understanding. They come naturally. When he smiles at you, your natural inclination is to smile back. When she shows wide-eyed surprise, give it back to her. Look around at the next luncheon or dinner you attend, and notice how those with the deepest rapport are doing it all the time. It’s an easy and natural, surefire way to make someone like you in 90 seconds or less. You can match the same amount and same style of eye contact. It may be fleeting, or direct or coy; whatever it is, pick up on it and return it in the same way.
Breathing. Pay attention to breathing. Is it fast or slow? Is it high in the chest, low in the chest or from the abdomen? You can usually tell how people are breathing by watching their shoulders or the folds in their clothing. Synchronizing with their breathing can be soothing and comforting to them.
I teach volunteers who sit with cancer patients how to have rapport with those in their care. This is the first thing I stress. Breathe in and out with them. Then, when you speak, you’re doing it on their “out” breath, and this has a very calming effect.
Rhythms. The same rule applies for anything rhythmic. If she taps her foot, tap your pencil; if he nods his head, pat your thigh. In the right circumstances and with judicious application, this works well as long as it is beyond conscious awareness. If not, the next sound you hear may be the door slamming shut—or worse. Just use common sense and discretion.
Dave was out looking for an anniversary present for his wife. He had whittled his thinking down to two ideas. It was to be either the very latest cell phone or a painting to hang in their breakfast room.
From where Dave parked his car at the shopping mall, it was more convenient to visit the electronics store first. Fortunately, it was midmorning and the store wasn’t too busy. Dave approached the counter, where a salesman in a flashy vest was nodding and smiling. So far, so good. As the salesman started to explain the differences in all the latest models, he lifted his right leg and plunked it on a low stool that was somewhere next to him. Then he leaned thoughtfully on his right knee and continued with his explanations. Suddenly Dave couldn’t wait to get out of there. It wasn’t that he lacked interest, it was just that the macho, leg-raised position was completely out of sync with his own posture and it made him feel uncomfortable.
It was a completely different story at the art gallery. Dave stopped before a painting that took his fancy and adopted a contemplative stance: weight on one leg, arms folded but with one hand on his chin and a finger hooked around his lips. After maybe a minute, he became aware of somebody standing quietly next to him and heard a soft, supportive voice say simply, “Nice, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is,” Dave replied in a pensive voice.
“Let me know if I can help you,” said the lady at his side. She withdrew to another part of the gallery.
Within five minutes, Dave had bought the painting. It seemed the natural thing to do.
Dave felt comfortable just looking at the painting. The woman had slipped in beside him, taken on the same body language as his and dropped into the same attitude. She made a seamless connection by exercising perfect, effortless synchrony: 55% body language, 38% voice tone and 7% words—the three “V’s.”
In and Out of Sync
For this exercise, you will need two other people: A and B. A is the first to do the actions; B synchronizes with A’s actions. You start off as the director.
Sitting, standing or walking, A and B converse casually about anything they want. A makes a point of moving about enough to give B some body movements and gestures to synchronize. After about a minute, tell them to break synchrony. At this point, B deliberately mismatches A’s movements. After another minute or so, instruct B to get into sync again. Then, after another minute, get them to break once more. Finally, have them get back in sync before finishing.
Now switch places with A or B. Keep rotating so that each one of you assumes a different role in the exercise. Compare notes at the end of each rotation. The comments will most likely be similar to these: “When I broke synchronization, it was as if a huge wall had been erected between us” and “When we stopped synchronizing, the level of trust plummeted.”
You can also try this out on your own. Synchronize someone for a couple of minutes, then deliberately mismatch his or her movements for one minute before getting back into synchrony again. Go in and out at will and notice the difference; it will be tangible.
Leading
When you’re sitting and talking with a friend, one of you might cross a leg and the other might do the same without thinking. This means that one of you is following the other’s lead, which is a sure sign that the two of you are in rapport.
As you quickly become proficient at synchronizing, you can test to find out just how well your rapport is going. After three or four minutes, regardless of what has gone before and without the other person being aware of what you’re doing, make a subtle move that’s independent of your synchronizing—lean back or cross your arms and perhaps tilt your head. If the other person follows, then you are synchronized and have rapport and the other person is now subconsciously following your lead. If you tilt your head, she tilts hers. If you cross your legs, he crosses his. Just change what you’re doing—make a movement, alter your vocal tone—and observe whether the other person matches or mirrors you. This way you can check to see if you are in rapport. If the other person doesn’t follow your lead, go back to synchronizing his or her movements for a few minutes and try again until it works.
Voice accounts for 38% of face-to-face communication. It reflects how a person is feeling; in other words, his or her attitude. People who are confused will sound confused, and people with a curious attitude will sound curious. You can learn to synchronize these sounds.
Tone. Notice the emotions conveyed by the tone of voice. Tune in to these emotions, get a feel for them and use the same tone.
Volume. Does the other person speak in a quiet voice or a loud voice? The value of synchronizing volume is not so much in doing it, but more in what can happen if you don’t do it. If you are naturally loud and excitable and you meet someone who is more soft-spoken and reserved, it goes without saying that the other person would feel much more at ease with someone who spoke in the same tender tones. Conversely, a jovial, back-slapping loudmouth would surely find lots of common ground with someone who radiated a comparable degree of exuberance.
Speed. Does the other person speak quickly or slowly? A thoughtful, slow-speaking individual can be completely unsettled or flummoxed by a speed talker, just as much as a slow, ponderous talker can drive a quick thinker to the point of distraction. Talking at the same speed as someone else makes as much sense as walking at the same speed.
Pitch. Does the voice go up and down? Voice pitch is one way to change someone’s energy level. When you raise pitch and volume, you become more excited. When you lower them, you become calmer, right down to the intimacy of a whisper.
Rhythm. Is the voice flowing or disjointed? Some people have a melodic way of speaking, while others have a more pragmatic, methodical output.
Words. There is yet one more powerful area we can synchronize, and that is the use of a person’s preferred words. We will be covering this fascinating world in Chapter 9.
Synchronizing allows you to deeply identify with other people and get a better understanding of where they’re coming from. Practice synchronization in all your activities, whether you’re in an interview, at a bus stop, dealing with your children, calming an unhappy customer, or talking to the teller at the bank, your yoga instructor, the barman at the pub. You’re not likely to run out of partners. Make it a part of your life for the next few days until you are competent without trying—until it becomes second nature.