1

Take a look, first of all, at George Washington, our limo-driving shark who’s dressed as a farmer. See how he holds a map, which he’s gradually revolving because it’s upside down. And on the dashboard, all of his unopened bills and admin, piled up willy-nilly.

The map is actually a battle plan from the Revolutionary War, where Washington led the Continental Forces. These letters are America’s admin, not his, as it turns out. He left his farm to become president, and sorted out the country’s debt, banking and taxation.

2

Amusing himself in the back of the limo we still have John Adams, the apple on the john. Note how the limo’s interior is done up in white leather: Adams was the first president to live in the White House.

And look, our apple’s listening to ‘Revolution’ by the Beatles on a borrowed iPod. This reminds us of how Adams borrowed the money necessary to fund the Revolutionary War.

Once we’re out on the pavement, we can take a closer look at Thomas Jefferson, our Thomas the Tank Engine with Jaffas on, who is reading the Independent newspaper: he was, of course, the principal author of the Declaration of Independence.

And look – there’s a parrot called Polly doing maths on his funnel, working out the combined cost of Lois Lane and Anna Kournikova.

Jefferson was famously a great polymath and the defining moment of his presidency was the Louisiana Purchase (Lois and Anna), where the US acquired, effectively, the whole middle third of its current-day territory.

4

To the side of the train, James Madison, our gun-toting medicine man, isn’t actually being that much help with our bags – his trolley’s already full up with a vast copy of the American Constitution, of which he was the principal author.

When Madison gets shot by Monroe (which didn’t happen by the way) make sure you hear how he says in a Darth Vader voice, ‘I am your father, or at least the last of them.’

For Madison was, eventually, the last of the founding fathers to die.

And, forgive me for bringing family lore in at this point, but it was during Madison’s presidency that the War of 1812 took place. Despite its name, this war lasted right through 1814, when your author’s great-great-great-uncle raided Washington and burnt down the White House. His name was Admiral Cockburn. So imagine a burning cockerel on Madison’s shoulder saying to him, ‘I burnt your house down at fourteen minutes past six, how do you like that?’ And imagine how this must nearly have brought on an epileptic seizure. That’ll remind you that Madison was epileptic.

James Monroe is outside the revolving doors. Take another look at her skirts billowing up. Doesn’t that give you good feelings? Monroe’s presidency was known as the ‘Era of Good Feelings’ for its economic prosperity and social peace. And why are Monroe’s skirts blowing up like this?

Well, look to the pavement! A steam boat is chugging past, puffing up her skirts with its plume of steam. Monroe was the first president to ride a steam boat.

And, by the way, when Marilyn shoots the doc, that’s the Monroe doctorin’, or Monroe Doctrine, that historians get so excited about.

6

If we look again at John Quincy Adams in the revolving doors, we can see that he’s stark naked and soaking wet: he’s been skinny dipping again in the Potomac River. Adams once even gave an interview to a female journalist while the pair skinny dipped.

In the segment of the revolving doors in front, there’s a crowd of intelligent-looking schoolboys, who he’s trying to force through this ingress into the departures hall. But the boys are all getting stuck; he can’t push them through. The historical Adams was similarly unable to get his ambitious programme of educational reform through congress.

And how astonishingly shiny he is! He must be very keen indeed on a polishin’. That’ll be because he was an early proponent of abolishin’ slavery – and cleaning up America’s conscience.

From this position we can see the beginning of Andrew Jackson’s moonwalk. It actually starts from a log cabin – entirely appropriate, since he was the first president born in a log cabin.

As he walks out, all of the people nearby begin grooving around and even indulging in a bit of ‘wreckage’ (of, among other things, banks), inspired by his excellent moves: just like at his legendary inauguration party, where his mates from Tennessee got so out of control that the White House was trashed, and the president had to escape to a nearby hotel, where he no doubt plotted the (ultimately unsuccessful) closure of the National Bank in peace. Notice that the ground across which he moonwalks is strewn with thirteen jewels; a hot-tempered president, Jackson fought thirteen duels in his eventful life.

8

When Martin Van Buren, our Martian in the information van, caught fire, the time was exactly 18:37 hours. It’s worth taking a look at the scenes of panic – this being so similar to the famous Panic of 1837, which took place during Van Buren’s presidency.

He instructs everyone to calm down in Dutch – telling them that he, like them, is American. Van Buren, who grew up in a Dutch-speaking (Martian) community, was the only president not to speak English as a first language. But he was also the first president born an American citizen.

9

On the way over to the check-in desk, he insists on telling us the entirety of his insanely long postal address. At the moment he completes this long address, he collapses with exhaustion and dies – just next to Tyler. This reminds you of the way the historical William Henry Harrison died just a month into his presidency, from pneumonia, caught during his absurdly long inaugural address.

10

At our second visit to the check-in desk itself we hear how John Tyler, our tiling John Lennon, has been upgraded! Because of a sudden vacancy, he’s been bumped from second to first class, from vice-president to president. He celebrates by adding a new area to the map of the US he’s been tiling on to the front of the desk. It’s Texas, which was indeed added to the Union during Tyler’s presidency, to which he was upgraded after his predecessor’s unfortunate death.

James K Polk, leaning over bustily in her polka-dot dress from behind the desk, now adds some tiles of her own, extending the map all the way to the West Coast of the continent. California was among the western states added to the Union during Polk’s presidency.

And she now responds to our question too, about why she is a woman. It turns out that she is actually Polk’s wife, deputizing for him. Polk ran the country as a double act with his wife, Sarah, who attended cabinet meetings with him and shared in much of his decision-making.

12

Over in the Tie Rack, Zachary Taylor, our magical saccharine tailor, always hums (in the major key), and is actually so short, if you look at him, that he needs a stool to be able to reach above his customer and pour. His horse, which bears a close resemblance to Whitney Houston, is grazing just outside the Tie Rack on some lawn. Its saddle has slipped on to its flank.

Taylor was a famously short soldier, ranked major, who always rode side-saddle into battle, and kept his old war-horse, Whitney, on the White House lawn.

13

Millard Fillmore, our incredibly fat man in the changing-booth having his yearly liposuction, is being aided by a servant with dentures, we can now see, who is wiping the edge of the bucket with a cloth.

This may remind us that Millard Fillmore was an indentured servant (a kind of contracted slave) who’d previously made cloths.

Passing through security next, we meet Franklin Pierce, our pierced Frenchman; he is, if you look closely at him, an easy-going, good-looking and successful lawyer. Basically, a male version of Calista Flockhart from Ally McBeal. Can you not see the similarity?

He’s not making any speeches or doing anything really, except being pierced. What a way to campaign! It causes him to slide down the piercing baguette towards the ground. He’s experiencing a landslide. History tells us that Pierce didn’t make a speech, let alone do a campaign rally, and yet won a landslide election victory.

15

James Buchanan, our joker putting the cannon through the X-ray machine, has so freaked out a fellow passenger called Caroline, the winner of this year’s Miss Carolina pageant, no less, that she’s just leapt the barrier and is making a dash for safety.

This scene is curiously linked to the events of Buchanan’s disastrous presidency, which saw Carolina and other Southern states ‘breaking from the Union’ – running off and declaring independence.

That’s the thing about practical jokes – not everyone finds them funny. No wonder that Buchanan was a life-long bachelor.

With so many passengers breaking rank, it’ll be left to the security man to sort this all out.

Abraham Lincoln, our six-foot-four security man, soon gathers back together all the passengers by lassoing them with his linkin’ bra-hams, muttering at them about the cause.

Just so, the historical Lincoln, the tallest president at six feet and four inches, led the army in the Civil War and quashed the attempts of the South to break away from the North (over the ‘question’ of slavery). He mutters because that’s what martyrs do in this book, and Lincoln became a martyr for the anti-slavery cause when he was assassinated in 1865.

17

On the other side of our walk-through metal detector Andrew Johnson, our body-searching Magic Johnson, finds some cash in our pocket and asks to borrow it. As he does so, his dentures clatter out on to the ground. Revolting.

This may remind us that, like Fillmore, Johnson was an indentured servant, and so poor when he became president that he needed to borrow money to get his things to the White House.

We punish the basketballer for his cheek – by slam-dunking a peach on to his lofty scalp. Johnson was the first president impeached.

18

Passing on through to the passport booth we re-encounter Ulysses S Grant, our anthem-grunting passport man, who’s wearing a full general’s uniform. And his booth is covered in posters of Victoria Beckham advertising hamburgers. This is all very odd.

But then Grant was the top Civil War general, whose campaign of Vick’s-burger, or Vicksburg, is still admired for its brilliance by military historians today.

He stamps vinegar into our passports with a cucumber. This reminds one how Grant liked to have cucumbers soaked in vinegar for breakfast.

The bee haze over which Rutherford B Hayes boats makes a most extraordinary humming sound. On listening to it a second time we hear that it’s humming ‘California Dreaming’. Hayes was, incidentally, the first president to visit California.

If you’re wondering why we are crossing this haze of bees in a Ford with a rudder and not that railroad bridge you can see over to the left, the reason is that there’s been a railroad strike. The railroad strike (of 1877) was one of the defining moments of Hayes’s presidency.

20

Beyond the bee haze in front of the duty-free emporium, James A Garfield, turns out to be interrupting his own sermon (delivered in Latin) to shoot out like this. But not at us – he is returning fire to the assassin who’ll kill him.

This may help us remember that Garfield was an evangelist preacher, and the only ever such to become president. He spoke Latin and Greek, and his shooting with two hands reminds us that he was ambidextrous.

21

Passing into the duty-free emporium, we meet Chester A Arthur again. King Arthur really does shine astonishingly brightly. This is surely linked to his suffering from Bright’s disease, a disorder of the kidneys.

And look how he’s got a massive weight, a ton at least, on a kind of pendulum that he’s jiggling about in a very civilized fashion.

This may remind us of his pendulum-ton, or rather Pendle-ton Reform Act, with which he rejigged the civil service.

Grover Cleveland, our grove of meat-cleavers, was, as we know, the only US president to have been elected on two non-consecutive occasions. You may notice Babe Ruth, the baseball player, practising his game in Grover Cleveland’s grove of cleavers, hitting home runs, straight and true, over and over. Cleveland, you see, had had a baby called Ruth – after whom Nestlé named a drink ‘Baby Ruth’. And his presidential style was distinguished by its straightforwardness and honesty.

23

Benjamin Harrison, in the middle of the grove, has taken off his Indian headdress to pour jam into his son’s mouth. He’s from Indiana. He’s telling his hairy son that he’s worth a billion dollars – speaking very clearly so that, when he’s old enough to understand, his son can listen to the recording Harrison’s making.

What does this all tell us? That Harrison presided over the first administration to spend a billion dollars and that he was the first president to have their voice recorded.

24

Grover Cleveland, our grove of meat-cleavers, was, as we know, the only US President to have been elected on two non-consecutive occasions. Well done him! Make sure you drill that Cleveland-Harrison-Cleveland combo deep into your mind.

At the currency-exchange window, William McKinley, our mucky Nelly, has a massive advertising hoarding atop: McKinley was the first to use sophisticated advertising techniques in a presidential campaign. He’s campaigning on the old Spanish-American War ticket.

And did I mention that McKinley, this elephant, is minute – just five foot four, and the smallest US president, despite being an elephant? Or that she will be assassinated by that big-game hunter stalking up behind her?

26

Teddy Roosevelt, our teddy in a loose-felt suit behind the counter, is a proud little schoolboy, just four stones and two pounds heavy, with a medal round his neck. He’s won this medal for exchanging Russian for Japanese notes and vice-versa.

Which suggests all this: that he became the youngest ever president at age forty-two, and won the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end to the Russo-Japanese War.

27

Over by the doors to the monorail, William Howard Taft, his wad-bod looking immensely fat, isn’t just treading on hoe-woods, he’s upsetting games of monopoly too: family games being played among the hoes. He remains utterly peaceful despite the repeated blows to his face.

Taft, America’s fattest ever president, devoted himself to busting monopolies and pursuing peace.

Inside the train, Woodrow Wilson has written a different country’s name on each of these racquets. He wants to start a ‘League of Nations’, the sign seems to say.

Why? Well, look at the floor, at the carnage of World War I, when a lack of rules meant that the game kept breaking down into devastating violence.

Sadly Woodrow gets hit on the head by a racquet, and so his founding of the League of Nations to ensure world peace, a wonderful scheme, loses its leader and goes awry.

29

At the front of the train, let’s now revisit Warren G Harding, our warren of rabbits stuck in hardening glue to the floor of the train. They make quite a sight. They are engaged in the most astonishing range of debauched activities. Some of the rabbits are kissing, others drinking, still others playing poker. All of this activity seems to have as its focus a domed teapot too, which lies in the middle.

This may serve to remind us that Harding was a hard-drinking, gambling, womanizing disaster of a president. And that the biggest disaster of all was the Teapot Dome scandal. Look it up.

As we hop up the escalator our first impressions of Calvin Coolidge are confounded: far from looking smug, he has no facial expression at all – unsurprising, I suppose, given he’s a fridge. We need a code to open up his top half, but we can guess what it is (1923) and get a look inside. All we find there, though, is a noisy radio blaring out the president’s birthday broadcast on the fourth of July.

Coolidge, a president so expressionless that on being informed that he’d died one wag asked, ‘How do they know?’, signed the Immigration Act that, like this padlock, stopped any old Tom, Dick or Harry from getting into the US. He was also the first president to appear on the radio and the only one born on the fourth of July.

31

At the top of the escalator we find Herbert Hoover glumly vacuuming up the sherbet powder with a machine that he’s obviously built himself. He’s feeling depressed about the waste of all this sherbet, which has been prohibited.

Before becoming president, Hoover was an innovative mining engineer – a progressive who believed that there were technical solutions to all problems. He had the misfortune, though, of becoming president just before the Great Depression of 1929.

During Prohibition, by the way, he used to nip into the Belgian Embassy (which is not officially American land) to have a little drink now and again. And why not?

As we pass through into the first-class lounge, we can see Franklin D Roosevelt playing snooker – but, looking closer, we can see that he is secretly powdering the end of his cue with a Polo mint. FDR contracted polio in 1921, resulting in his complete paralysis from the waist down, a fact he kept secret throughout his presidency.

He now pots two extremely difficult balls in a row. His Japanese opponent for some reason loses his rag at this point and attacks FDR with his cue. But even after a fight on the loose-felt develops, FDR manages to pot another couple of balls; shortly after his fourth pot, he dies. Roosevelt had four successful pots at the office of President, two of them after the beginning of World War II, in which he led America.

33

Our pianist over by the bar, Harry S Truman, is meanwhile refusing to play anything other than a collection of what he calls ‘atom-bomb ballads’. We go over to suggest a change but he says, ‘It’s misery, me sorry,’ (sic), before explaining, ‘Me very very sorry for the misery.’

Truman had dreamed of being a bar-pianist, but ended up as the only president to have come from Missouri and drop an atom bomb on civilians, or either indeed. He talks like this because he didn’t go to college, a rarity for modern presidents.

34

Closer inspection of the D-shaped bar, just adjacent, reveals that it has been decorated like a beach. ‘Dee White Icetower’ has been planted in the sand next to a flag bearing the words ‘I like Ike’.

There hasn’t been a foreigner misspelling ‘Ice’ here; ‘Ike’ was Dwight Eisenhower’s nickname and this phrase was his highly effective campaign slogan. The D-shaped beach of a bar reminds us that Eisenhower was supreme allied commander at the D-day landings.

When we are called over to board our flights, we meet John F Kennedy surrounded by a bevy of film starlets and other beauties working as stewardesses. Let’s hope this has nothing to do with JFK’s atrocious lack of marital fidelity. When we hand over our ticket, we can see he is looking concernedly beyond us. We follow his eye to see that a massive Cuban missile is trying to board. A crisis if ever there was one! No wonder he’s worried.

36

The Cuban Missile Crisis was one of the major events of Pulitzer Prize-winning JFK’s tenure, cut short by assassination in 1963. A second look at the Lyndon B Johnsons arrayed in the tunnel on the ramp suggests that they aren’t all the real thing. Rather, it seems that the real Boris Johnson has been joined by a dog, a wife and a daughter – all of whom strongly resemble him. The wife and daughter have stethoscopes round their necks, while the dog eats a massive naan bread.

LBJ’s wife, daughter and dog all shared the initials LBJ. The stethoscopes on his wife and daughter remind us of his health-care provisions for young and old. The naan-eating dog reminds us of his massive escalation of US involvement in Vietnam.

37

On to the tarmac now to re-witness the ugly scene of Richard Nixon trying to stow someone’s son in the back of someone else’s golden Ford. He’s sweating horribly, and his slippery fingers fumble over the boot. Fortunately, it bursts open for him as a rocket fires off from inside towards the moon, and water floods out.

Nixon was president at the time of the first moon landings, having previously lost a narrow election to JFK after sweating too much during a televised debate. His presidency was brought to a swift end by the Watergate scandal.

The tyres on Gerald Ford’s car are inflating alarmingly as we carry on, causing us to rise up off the tarmac, losing speed. They may soon burst. One can’t help noticing, also, that on the side of the car runs a curious campaign slogan reading ‘Don’t bother voting for Ford’.

From all this we can deduce that he reached both the office of vice-president and that of president without on either occasion being elected; furthermore that there was terrible inflation during his presidency, causing recession (in speed…).

39

Listen in to James E Carter trundling along in his golf buggy: he’s just tuning into his favourite radio show: his own one.

This e-cart is going faster than us again – why the hurry always?

Perhaps the Iranian with a gun shouting, ‘Hi, Jack!’ may be contributing.

Carter stresses that his name is Jimmy, not Jack.

‘No – hijack!’ says the Iranian.

Carter was the only president sworn in with his nickname, which was Jimmy; familiarity was his watchword, and he made weekly Saturday morning radio broadcasts to the nation. One of the major events of his tenure was the Iranian Hostage Crisis (which went on for 444 days from 1979 to 1981). During this ongoing crisis, see how Carter crashes his cart into the plane’s steps (after also being hit by Ronald’s election ray-gun).

40

Ronald Reagan, on those steps, is really acting out his role of action hero; a camera crew on the tarmac is recording it all. A line of Russians, meanwhile, is lining up, trying to force their way on board by throwing ice cubes at the president. Reagan zaps back at them liberally with his ray-gun, which warms them up nicely, thus melting their aggression and ensuring that we are first on the plane.

This all indicates that Reagan was a former actor, but also that his political persona was primarily one built around his screen presence. The warming of the Russians reminds us that it was during Reagan’s presidency that the Cold War finally ended.

In the cockpit, George H Bush the elder has a golf club to hand. He’s been pinging balls out of the window to defend the waiting queue of passengers down on the tarmac, who are being attacked. Bush waged the Gulf War of 1990 to help out the queue-waiters, the Kuwaitis.

42

Next to Bush is Bill Clinton, who is defending himself from a peach thrown through the window by a girl sitting on a passing airborne loo.

All this may remind us that Clinton was impeached for his affair with a girl on a loo-in-(the)-sky, that’s Monika Lewinsky. And we shouldn’t be surprised that Clinton is made of money: his tenure resulted in a huge budget surplus of $559 billion.

43

The forty-third president, the younger Bush, who is sitting in his father’s seat, is also playing a little golf – out of the window. He has three vests on, and, like any small boy these days, he spends all his time texting when he should really be piloting the plane.

George W Bush waged war, like his father, in the Gulf. His three vests tell us that he has been arrested three times in his life, while his spending time texting reminds us of his penchant for spending a great deal of his presidential time in Texas.

Well done, you’ve got to the end again. Now make for a quiz and express yourself!