Introduction

You probably picked up this book because you have a relational pattern in your life that you are tired of repeating, and you just want it to stop. Maybe you have tried to do some things to change this cycle. Maybe you have tried some band-aid approaches. Maybe you have even gone to therapy, but these same tired patterns keep showing up in your life. Nothing is working.

Have you ever asked yourself the following questions?

At one point or another, we have all asked ourselves these types of questions. Some people try to answer them on their own or ask their family or friends for help in figuring out what is wrong. This often results in getting many unhelpful opinions from others and then feeling more confused than ever. People tend to tell us what they would do, which is like getting advice from a bumper sticker.

The answers to these questions are deep within you. In your heart there is a lost, wounded inner child that holds wisdom and yearns for validation and healing. This unacknowledged pain is at the root of all these questions. This wounding keeps showing up in life disguised as impulsive reactions and over-exaggerated responses.

It takes courage to even consider looking at parts of yourself that feel hurt or are confusing. Certainly, millions of people are resigned to think that this is just how life has to be. They have no desire to do the hard work to heal themselves. Many people are content to react to life in the same way over and over, expecting different results each time. The fact that you picked up this book is an indication that you are ready to listen to your wisdom and your pain, and to hear what they have to say. You are ready to heal and change how you respond to your life.

You probably know some of your patterns well, and you certainly know your emotional hurt and pain, but you may be confused about how it got this way. You know all of the things you have tried to do, what has worked, and what was disappointing.

The HEAL process—healing and embracing an authentic life—is a practical approach to help you heal and release the dysfunctional patterns that are rooted in emotional wounds, which were themselves established a long time ago. It is a transformational process that will help you to unfold and heal the wounded parts that no longer work for you, and lead you to a new place of inner healing. The process combines many approaches and exercises to help you connect with some of the underlying reasons why you react and respond the way you do. By following this transformational process, you will begin to understand and acknowledge the specific wounding patterns you are holding on to. Once you go through the process, your woundings will begin to feel more integrated with your responsible adult self and not feel as unknown or lost. You will not only understand why you are making these impulsive decisions, but also understand the bigger patterns in your life that are holding you back from feeling fulfilled. You will go from just emotionally surviving to emotionally thriving.

The process is not only about reclaiming the grounded, authentic self but also about how to recognize your resilience in navigating present-day difficult situations. This work will help you honor those parts of you that have worked hard to keep you safe, and to look at those parts that work against you and hold you back from claiming an authentic life. You will learn to identify the illusions and the negative, limiting beliefs about yourself that you carry. What may be unclear now as to how these impulsive reactions relate to your childhood wounding will soon become clear as you go through the HEAL process. The process will guide you to feel more whole and in control of your life.

Through the HEAL process, you will help the younger wounded parts of you, your wounded inner child that feels lost and searching, to integrate with your adult self. Until this healing occurs, the wounded part will keep being triggered, frantically stepping in front of you to take charge, and impulsively making bad decisions that your responsible adult self then has to clean up. The work you will do will help your adult self develop the tools needed to reach back through time and reassuringly take the hand of the younger wounded parts. Your adult self, feeling confident, safe, and in control, will reinforce your love for your younger self that feels lost, set strong boundaries, and tell the wounded part that it is going to be OK. You will learn to recognize how and when this younger part shows up and to ask this part what it needs to heal and integrate with the adult self. After all, we have to know where we came from to know where we are going.

Through reading real-life stories and working through the exercises in each chapter, you will see all of the relational patterns that were established in your early life. Once you see the patterns and themes that keep happening in your life, you will no longer be able to unconsciously repeat them. The moment you see the patterns—when the lightbulb goes on and everything clicks—is a moment of healing, a moment of grace. In fact, you will have many aha! moments as you work through the HEAL process.

Over time, you will begin to see and feel the difference in yourself as you become a conscious creator of your world instead of impulsively reacting to it. You will no longer be in the illusion of the daydream; you will be living your life present and available to yourself first, then others. Know that you will be able to transform the emotional pain that you carry, and that you can let go of the falsehood that you are destined to be burdened with emotional wounding your entire life.

Inner child work helps us get to the root of the problem—the core wounding—instead of putting a Band-Aid over the pain and hoping it gets better. I did not invent the concept of inner child work; many thought leaders who developed different ways to look at the wounded inner child came before me. I say with respect and humility that my work and inspiration are born from the efforts of many others. What I offer here is my approach to inner child work and a way to connect to your authentic and resilient self through the doorway of your wounded parts.

In my psychotherapy practice I look for how a person is functional, strong, and coping well, not just focus on their struggles or what is wrong. I look beyond their presenting pain and talk to the part that is wise, authentic, and grounded, encouraging that part to come forward. This positive psychology invites the healed part to be a champion for the wounded part. You will see as you work through this book how your wise, authentic, and resilient parts have been there the entire time, waiting in the wings for you to call on them to help your wounded parts heal.

You will find that some of the information will speak directly to your experience and some will give you a window into someone else’s struggle. Even if you feel that you have too much emotional baggage to deal with, trust in yourself as you follow this process. You will begin to clearly see when, where, and how you arrived where you are today and the next steps you need to make.

As you read through the chapters, you will be looking at parts of yourself that are difficult to examine, which is completely natural and normal. You will want to have a notebook handy for the exercises in each chapter. If doing the exercises ever gets to be overwhelming, you may want to talk with a skilled therapist who is familiar with inner child work.

You can access the companion workbook for additional material, shared stories, and in-depth exercises at my website: www.theartofpracticalwisdom.com. For further reading, please see the Resources page at the back of the book. There I have listed several websites and authors from whom I have gained wisdom over the years.

Please note that definitions for italicized words can be found in the glossary at the back of the book.

The information herein is not a substitute for talking with a psychotherapist; rather, it is the approach I know and have developed from having successfully taken many people through it over the years. I have also used the HEAL process myself to heal and integrate my childhood wounding with my adult self.

Take your time and enjoy the journey. You will have a much clearer idea of yourself and how you relate to others when you come out the other side. The HEAL process is about expanding your awareness of yourself, not changing you.

Are you ready to reclaim the freedom of being your authentic self? If so, I ask that you trust me and trust yourself through this process. You are stronger than you think.