Seven

The Responsible Adult Self Steps Up

“By connecting your inner child to your internal being, you bring out the hero in you that is inside all of us.”

—KIM HA CAMPBELL, INNER PEACE OUTER ABUNDANCE

You have come a long way in your healing process. You have been working the exercises and practicing setting healthy boundaries. You are now ready to fully embrace your authentic self as your mature, responsible adult self takes charge of your life. There is more work to be done, of course, and we will discuss the final steps in your process of healing in this chapter.

Now that you have become familiar with your childhood woundings and the triggers you react to in your adult life, you may wonder how you can know the difference between the wounded part and your responsible adult self. The difference is in how you feel inside and how you react to situations. Your wounded self will choose, feel, and express in the following ways:

Your responsible adult self will choose, feel, and express in the following ways:

Your responsible adult self is like an internal kind, loving, and protective big brother or sister. It is the best of you, the part that you can count on to do the right thing, to show up.

The more you set boundaries, the more your wounded parts know and understand that the responsible adult self is going to be protective. The wounded parts will not let go of these wounded emotional response tools, no matter how destructive and dysfunctional they are, until the responsible adult self is able to consistently and confidently set internal and external boundaries. The wounded part is watching to see how, when, why, and where the responsible adult self addresses the situation any time a wounding is triggered.

If you are not respecting my boundaries, you are not respecting me.

If the responsible adult self does not consistently come in and protect the wounded parts, the wounded parts will just stay frozen and stuck. There is too great a risk to let the defensive guard down because the wounded part does not want to get hurt again.

The following are various ways you can foster the responsible adult self to show up:

Your responsible adult self utilizes the functional response tools you developed as a child and as an adult. How has your responsible adult self shown up for you in the past? How does it show up now?

The following is a list of functional response tools that you may have brought into adulthood:

By taking responsibility for yourself, you own your life choices. You stop using your wounded emotional response tools and create functional tools.

Take some time to write in your notebook some examples of when you have seen others bring forth their responsible adult self and show compassion. For example, a buddy stepped up to help a friend, or someone brought kindness and compassion to another in need. Acts of compassion are great examples of bringing forth our most functional selves because they come from a place of selflessness, humility, and generosity. We aren’t looking for anything in return, and only wish the best for the other person.

Now write down some examples that you have seen of someone being the bigger person, taking care of an issue, or owning a mistake. You can also write down some aspects and qualities of the functional adult you aspire to embody. For example, recognizing when things are too much and asking for help, or being vulnerable and sharing with a friend when you are sad. Being a functional adult doesn’t mean we have to be strong all the time and never show what some perceive as weakness. It means being true to all parts of ourselves and working toward wholeness and integration. These are qualities that you may not be able to fully demonstrate at present, but are within your intention to achieve.

Keep your notebook with these qualities of the responsible adult self that you have described, and look back on it in a few years to see if the intention that you have put forth for yourself has manifested.

Learning to Say No

In the previous chapter we discussed the problems with saying yes when you mean no. Some people have a very hard time saying no because they don’t want to disappoint, or they want to be liked and loved so much that they say yes to everything. This lack of boundary also comes from their wounded part being afraid and getting big and loud. Even the responsible adult can give in to the fear of not wanting to be left out.

The reality is, we all want to be liked and loved. I believe it is a core tenet of human nature. However, even when you say the no that is hard to say, you can still be liked and loved. In fact, many people are surprised when their friends and family begin to respect them more. We all have a deep respect for others when we recognize that they are standing up for themselves and what they believe in, and expressing what they need. Showing that vulnerability takes courage.

The ability to set boundaries directly corresponds to how much you have healed your wounded parts.

As you work on setting boundaries, notice when and how the wounded self tries to go back to familiar behaviors of no boundaries or extreme boundaries. See this attempt as coming from the part of you that feels insecure and afraid.

Gently guide yourself to courageously use affirming language, and start out with some small no’s. A small no could be someone asking if you want to have Italian food when you want Mexican food. Just state your no and your preference. This is not a do-or-die situation, but it will get you started. Setting boundaries is like using a muscle that is not used to being used. Start with the small no’s and build up your strength.

The following are common misconceptions you may have when you begin to set boundaries:

Standing up for yourself may not feel natural at first, and might even feel forced. This is normal, and getting used to exercising this muscle is going to take a while.

Let’s begin to exercise your “no” muscle. Recall a situation when you said yes instead of honoring your no. Now suspend judgment and ask yourself why you made that choice. What were you avoiding, or what were you afraid of? You will probably come up with some fairly good reasons why you agreed to say yes and didn’t use your no muscle. In fact, you could probably convince yourself that you made the right choice by saying yes. If the choice you made was indeed the right and logical choice and you did it for your friend because such and such, then why are you carrying a smidge of resentment about saying yes instead of no?

The reality is that our analytical minds know our games and will talk us into making choices and saying yes when we want to say no. Our minds play tricks with our emotional selves, our authentic selves. This is because we have had a lifetime of training our minds to override our authentic selves and our boundaries. We have been socialized for all the reasons that I just mentioned and more to believe that we should say yes.

Recall again the situation when you said yes instead of no. Do you still think it was the best choice for you to have made to honor your authentic self? You may still say yes, and that’s OK. The point is to ask yourself what your gut says the next time.

Suppose you have been asked to do something and you want to say no, but you are afraid to have the conversation because you don’t know how it will turn out. I have heard people plot out a conversation like a chess match, develop a strategy for what to say, and then anticipate what the other person will say. I see this especially often with smart people who have control or trust issues. They know how the other person usually responds, so they plan to manipulate the conversation to go their way. They want to manage the conversation to get the outcome they want and avoid topics that are uncomfortable or unpredictable.

This fear strategy comes from the wounded self, which thinks that this is the way to set a boundary or have a conversation. It is not. It is manipulative, and the other person is going to feel this. It also denies the adult self the opportunity to be present and available to see how the conversation would turn out if the person used clear and assertive communication instead of being manipulative and indirect.

Many people have these strategic or managed conversations thinking they are making progress and setting boundaries, but they are only getting better at relationship chess, closing their heart, and failing in the relationship.

Speaking Your Truth

Many people who are just beginning to set boundaries want to be the “nice guy” and are afraid that if they say what they feel, they will be perceived as mean. This is normal when you are first establishing boundaries, as is feeling doubt, guilt, and perceiving yourself as uncaring or angry. These feelings go back to wanting to be liked and loved; we all want that, but not everyone is going to like what we say, and that is normal, too. Speaking up for yourself and speaking your truth can be done with kindness and compassion. You don’t have to yell or stomp your feet to be heard; all you have to do is be clear and assertive in your delivery.

People often don’t give others enough credit for being able to handle the truth. The feeling is that if we were to tell someone how we really feel, that person would crumble, break down, freak out, or get angry. The reality is that most people are resilient and able to handle unpleasant news or information. By not speaking your truth, you are implying you don’t think someone is able to deal with it, so you are making a decision for them instead of respecting their intelligence and capacity for understanding. You cheat yourself and the other person out of an experience that could expand the relationship and deepen the connection. You deny deeper connections when you withhold your truth. You may also be implying that you don’t want to speak your truth because it is hard for you to hold that reality.

When you don’t speak your truth, you are saying on a deeper level that you don’t trust and respect yourself, and therefore others probably shouldn’t trust and respect you, either. After decades of working on my own healing journey, I am far more interested in respecting myself and being respected by others than being liked. When we speak our truth, we are loving and respecting ourselves. When we do our healing work, we become less reliant on the opinions of others to shape our ideas of self.

Exercise: Old Boundary Patterns

In this exercise you will list some life choices you have made that honored yourself and some that did not. You will be looking at whether you honored your boundaries and stayed true to yourself or went against your boundaries and made a choice to make someone else happy.

Take out your notebook and draw a vertical line down the middle of a clean page. On the top of the left side write “Works for Me,” and on the right side write “Works for Them.” Now recall a time when you said either yes or no to a situation or invitation. Think of the outcome, how you felt about it, and who you chose that yes or no answer for. Write a short description of the situation in the appropriate column.

For example, suppose you put in the “Works for Me” column that you went to a school you really wanted to go to, and you were happy with your decision, and in the “Works for Them” column you dated or married the person your parents wanted you to. Write down as many examples—minor and major—as you can, and see if a pattern begins to develop.

Now look at the examples you wrote in the “Works for Me” column. What was going on in your life at that time? Why were you able to honor yourself and your boundaries? Was this a time in your life when you felt good about yourself, when you felt strong and balanced? You were able to embody the feelings of pride and honor from those times when you spoke your truth. All of your choices in the “Works for Me” column were made by your functional adult self.

Now look at the “Works for Them” column. Why do you think you compromised your boundaries for other people? Why do you think it was more important for you to do what they wanted instead of what you wanted? Have compassion for yourself as you look over these choices. Each day we make the best choices for ourselves based on our view of ourselves and the world. You made choices that satisfied others earlier in your life, when their happiness mattered more to you than your own. Your emotional wounding made the choices in the “Works for Them” column.

If you have more examples in the “Works for Them” column than in the “Works for Me” column, it simply means that you were doing more for others than for yourself in the past. It means that you compromised yourself to satisfy someone else instead of satisfying yourself and your needs in the past. It means you avoided confrontations on the front end, but you paid for this emotionally afterward.

Looking over our life choices is interesting because we can see patterns of how our past behaviors influenced our future choices. These patterns continue unless we work on healing our wounding. As a thought experiment, look at your “Works for Them” column and imagine what the outcome would have been if you had made a different choice. Imagine what would have been different if you had honored your boundary system and stood up for yourself and what you wanted. Would your life be different today? This is another way to look at the power of choice in our lives.

Each day, in every way, you are the creator of your life. When you honor your authentic self and speak your truth, you create the best possible opportunity for your healing growth.

Story: Chandler, an Addicted Young Man

Chandler is a forty-year-old man who was struggling with addiction while trying to be a good husband, father, and provider. He would be fine for a while, but then he would get triggered by a life event and find himself driving to his dealer’s house for another fix. He said he didn’t know why he kept wanting to use, because he deeply loved his life, his family, and his business.

Chandler had been in and out of rehab multiple times, and had even gone to prison when he was twenty-one for dealing drugs. He understood addiction and the addiction process, but in all of the work he did to try to stay sober and in recovery, he never looked at the emotional part of his addiction. He had a damaged boundary system, so he recognized that he was hurting himself, his wife, and his family, but he would justify his behavior and get lost in the addiction.

In our early work together, I asked Chandler how old he felt when he was out of control, impulsive, and wanted to escape and use. What age did that behavior remind him of? Immediately he said it reminded him of when he was a twenty-one-year-old kid. At twenty-one, he was not only using drugs but also selling them, and his life was out of control. He spent over three years in prison because of dealing drugs. His early twenties was a time of huge upheaval and turmoil.

Long after Chandler was released from prison, when he would get triggered by the stress of work, family, and finances, his younger wounded self enabled his addiction. That twenty-one-year-old part would step forward and make poor decisions. Once the drugs wore off, the adult self, the part of him that was trying to put his life back together, had to face the wreckage and start the clean-up.

Like many addicts, Chandler hated this cycle. Once he identified and reconnected with his twenty-one-year-old self he could not help but see this pattern. He developed specific coping skills and boundaries that eventually changed the course of the pattern. His eyes were opened to the fact that he didn’t want this recycled pain anymore. Still, his emotional wounding kept trying to get his attention. He could clearly see when his twenty-one-year-old self felt out of control and used those wounded emotions and logic to “fix” a problem.

Chandler had to set internal boundaries to protect himself from further harm, to stop using drugs, and to help the younger wounded part mature emotionally. These boundaries had to make sense to him, and they had to come from him. He wasn’t going to do something just because someone else said he should. Addiction is a personal journey that affects other people, so he had to learn how to make a commitment to himself first and then to others.

Chandler used coping skills, such as fishing and working hard to be a good provider, as a way to give back and provide for his family. These skills helped his stress, but he was probably overcompensating at work as a way to boost his esteem. He wasn’t making a grounded commitment to himself. He pushed himself too hard and was burning out. He was trying to rehabilitate his sense of self-worth by throwing himself into his work and exhausting himself, but this was just another addiction—workaholism.

In his timeline review, Chandler saw himself as a guy with a chaotic family background who got caught up in selling drugs, got arrested, went to prison, met a wonderful young woman, and got married. He was able to look at his early wounding experiences and saw how they set the stage for him to lose himself in drugs. He was grateful for his wife, but he didn’t see that he was the one who created his reality, that he was the one who had worked hard to provide for his family. He still saw himself as the guy who went to prison and got lucky when he got out. It was hard for him to see his resilience, authenticity, and greatness because he was still in survival mode. Our discussions about boundary setting were like a foreign language to him.

We talked about how he could make a commitment to himself because he was worth it, but he didn’t see himself as worthy. He saw everyone else and the life he was making as worthy, but he was externalizing his own worth, which meant that he would always have to overwork and overcompensate. He held this value outside of himself, not inside.

Over time, Chandler saw how he alone had overcome his struggles, found a wonderful life partner, worked hard at his job, and had children for whom he was trying to give more than he’d had. He could see that he was the one who had created that transformation.

In learning boundaries, Chandler made a commitment to himself (internal boundary) that he wouldn’t use drugs because of all he had to lose. He placed a picture of his boys in his truck and talked with his wife more often. He learned meditation techniques and went to twelve-step meetings. He made a commitment to himself to do the hard work in the ongoing process of recovery, one day at a time. He resisted the urge to drive to his dealer’s house. He often stopped his truck on the side of the road and sobbed with the internal struggle of wanting to use and knowing all he could lose if he did. His responsible adult self was confused about why he wanted to use, as it would jeopardize everything he had created. His adult self felt out of control and ashamed and angry. He was trying so hard to keep it all together and make it all work. He was working hard at recovery for his family, but more and more he was learning how to honor and love himself.

Chandler began making boundary statements such as I’m worth it, I’m not going to let them push me around at work, and I’m going to speak up for myself and protect all of me. The boundary statements to his wife (external boundaries) were messages of what he was feeling that day and how he needed her to help him with some things. This helped him to stop trying to do it all and then later resent her.

He was learning to not only survive but to thrive emotionally and to set strong boundaries. He moved out of the mode of seeing himself only as a former prisoner who was just getting by or getting lucky. The fact that he had served time in prison had become a prison that he had carried within himself, but as he healed from the inside out and found his self-worth, that illusion began to dissolve and fade away.

I want to be clear that following the HEAL process did not address Chandler’s addiction per se. He attended twelve-step meetings throughout our time together, and he has a sponsor. He will probably always feel the pull of his addiction and will always need to work on his recovery. The HEAL process helped him to consciously identify what was happening to him instead of him unconsciously making emotionally reactive choices. Addiction issues tend to diminish when there is a prolonged sense of improved self-esteem, humility, self-care, and surrender.

Now he is able to recognize what his feelings are telling him, what he needs to do about them, and how stay sober. He can have conscious talks with his younger wounded self, set strong boundaries, and coach himself through triggers and cravings to avoid using drugs. Through the HEAL process, he found his authentic self again. He reclaimed what had always been there but had been buried under an illusion.

Chandler now has clear plans in place for keeping his addicted self from using when his addiction gets triggered. This relapse prevention plan is separate from the process he used to heal his twenty-one-year-old wounded self. He will always need to work on his addiction recovery.

Today I call Chandler one of my heroes, and I mean it. I am proud of his work, and I marvel at his courage, his tenacity, and his story as a man who has reclaimed his power and his self-love.

Developing Functional Response Tools

You have been doing a lot of boundary work and learning much about your own boundary system. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a crucial part of the HEAL process. The boundary work that you are doing will help you craft new functional response tools that fit your life today. You have looked into your wounded toolbox and seen all of the well-worn tools and impulsive reactions that served you so well as a child. Honor them, and know that they are always there if you really need them. But now is the time to develop some new, specially designed tools that fit who and where you are in your life today.

Through this work, you have also seen examples of how you haven’t always shown up in a good way for yourself or others, or how you have avoided people and situations. Now it is time to focus a kinder, gentler lens on yourself. As you continue to do this work, observe yourself, don’t condemn yourself.

Exercise: Developing Your New Functional Tools

This exercise will help you to develop some new functional emotional response tools by understanding that you are in control of your mind, your mind is not in control of you. What instructions will you give your mind on how you want to experience yourself?

At the top of a clean page in your notebook write the words, “Who do I want to be for myself?” At the top of the next page write, “How do I want to show up for others?”

Under the first heading, “Who do I want to be for myself?”, write down how you want to be in your day-to-day life. You can write some positive intentions, goals you want to achieve, or how you want to give yourself instruction. Write down your higher ideals and goals.

The language you use is speaking to the part of you that is healing, so write in positive, present-tense language. Here are some examples of positive affirmations to encourage you to be emotionally available to yourself:

Write as much and for as long as you want.

On the second page, “How do I want to show up for others?”, write down ideas of how you want to show up for others in your life. You may want to create some positive intentions for yourself. You may also want to think of some higher ideals for when you interact with others. Here are some examples of positive affirmations so you can be emotionally available for others:

Again, write as much and as long as you want.

The goals and ideals you wrote down in this exercise are not magic formulas that create immediate transformations or new situations in your life; they are ideals that you will begin to hold for yourself. Over time, they will help you to create new functional response tools. You are setting intentions for behaviors and actions that you want to pull toward yourself and simultaneously be drawn to. Intentional energy will help you to discern and create better boundaries so you will attract others to you who are emotionally healthy and have good boundaries. (You may want to refer back to this list in six months or a year to see if you are manifesting these positive affirmations in your life.)

Over time you will begin to see and feel the difference because you are a conscious creator of your world. You are no longer in the daydream; you are living your life present and available.

Using Your New Tools

Through the HEAL process you are learning how to be a conscious creator of your life, and setting boundaries is the biggest key you can use to unlock authentic freedom. You are moving out of being on autopilot and reacting. You now have some tools to determine your boundary status at any given time. You can check in and ask yourself how you feel about something and which choice you want to make. That is your internal boundary system at work. You can also ask how you feel and then decide what to say to another person. That is your external boundary system at work.

The other big key to living an authentic life is to use your new functional tools. Learning to set responsible healthy boundaries and using functional response tools are both crucial steps in healing and embracing an authentic life. Healthy boundaries allow you to respect your own needs, desires, and wants without sacrificing your relationship to others.

When you show the wounded part of you that you can responsibly handle situations that were triggering in the past and can set healthy boundaries, you show all parts of yourself that you can be trusted to make mature, responsible choices. Self-responsibility helps the wounded part of you to let go and trust the adult self to set good boundaries and protect all parts of you. This leads to the final healing goal of self-integration so you can embrace an authentic life.

Pressing the Reset Button

Developing and learning to use your new functional tools takes time and practice. As you create new ways of responding, you will use trial and error to get it right. Suppose you are talking with a friend and you say something that you instantly know sounds bad or is not what you mean. Right at that moment you can press a “reset” button and correct the error.

When you realize you have said something that was not how you meant it to be, just stop, take a breath, and say, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I meant to say . . .” You can press that reset button right away and have a do-over. This is a highly functional tool to use, especially when you are practicing new boundaries and behaviors. It immediately resets the conversation and brings a new dynamic into your communication. You are saying that you are trying to be intentional and respectful with your language.

I often teach this tool to couples who come to see me. In intimate relationships we develop a shorthand way of communicating that is fast and quick, and we are often so familiar with the other person that we just blurt out what we want to say. This can cause problems to come up in the relationship. By using the reset button, you can immediately, or soon after, have a do-over moment and clear up any misconceptions or hurt feelings.

You can apply the idea of the reset button to many areas of your life. There is no need to walk away from a conversation and immediately beat up on yourself for something you said or did that was mean-spirited. Turn around, own your truth, apologize if needed, and say in a clear, grounded way what you mean. It is not hard; it just takes courage to be vulnerable.

In time, using the reset button will help you become more consciously aware of the choices and responses you have with others. It will help you to slow down, to not use your short-hand communication, and to be more respectful.

Shifting Perspective

Shifting your perspective to see how situations in your life can look different is a healthy and useful tool to help transform your life. Take a moment to look at the areas of your life where there is pain or unease. Ask yourself what is needed and what is in your control that can make this situation better. You can’t change things out of your control, but you can change how you act and interact in situations. You do have power over your mind and what you do with your feelings. You can choose a more functional way to approach a situation.

Take out your notebook and find a clean page. At the top of the page, write, “Things I Would Like to Transform in My Life.” Write down some situations in your life that you would like to change. Below each statement, brainstorm what you would change about the situation if you had a magic wand. As you review each item, ask yourself if there is an impulsive tool that stands in the way of your dreams. Is there something you believe or are doing that creates a roadblock for this transformation?

This exercise is just to help you see where you have power to change how you look at a situation and how you feel. So much of your healing work is simply about shifting your perspective.

In the next chapter you will learn how to integrate your inner child with your adult protective self, the final goal of the HEAL process. As you establish your boundaries and practice using your new functional tools, your healing child self is slowly joining with your responsible adult self and developing an awareness of people, situations, and context. You are exercising the emotional muscles needed to create this adaptive balance. The integration of the inner child with your responsible adult self allows for a richness in your life experience and opportunities for your expansive growth.