This book began with a single reader—myself—as I started to jot down notes seven years ago to help learn how to get to yes with myself more effectively. It was a deeply personal project as, faced with challenges in my life and in the lives of those around me, I felt compelled to look more deeply inside myself. As a fan of frameworks, I began to develop a simple framework to help myself remember. Only later on, when I showed my evolving notes to family and friends did I think it might be of use to others as well.
With encouragement from friends, the process became much easier. I would like to offer warm thanks to Curt Manfred Mueller, who believed in this book long before it was written, to David Friedman and Robert Gass, who gave me early insightful feedback and enthusiastic support on many walks, to David Baum, Francisco Diez, Patrick Finerty, Mark Gerzon, Margo King, David Lax, Jamil Mahuad, Ronald Mueller, Simon Sinek, Gary Slutkin, and John Steiner, whose encouraging comments helped me persevere, and to Donna Zerner, who offered extensive editing advice on an early draft.
Finding the right stories to convey the message is never easy. For their instructive and inspiring stories, I would like to thank Robert Chapman, Judith Ansara Gass, Adam Grant, Scott Harrison, Azim Khamisa, Jamil Mahuad, Paola Mahuad, Jill Bolte Taylor, Gabi Ury, Lizanne Ury, Dennis Williams, and Jerry White. I am especially indebted to Abilio Diniz for his friendship and generosity in allowing me to use the example of his successful conflict resolution in this book.
I could not have been more fortunate in finding an agent who understood and supported my project in every way. Jim Levine guided the evolution of the manuscript, found a good publishing home for it, and gave valuable counsel throughout the process. He has been a true friend and I am extremely grateful to him as well as to his colleagues and family.
Then there was the talented team at HarperOne. My editor, Genoveva Llosa, has been a sheer pleasure to work with as she thoughtfully reviewed the manuscript and offered many savvy editing suggestions to tighten the logic and the language. To her and all her capable colleagues, including Mark Tauber, Claudia Boutote, Kim Dayman, Melinda Mullin, Gideon Weil, Miles Doyle, Michele Wetherbee, Dwight Been, Terri Leonard, Natalie Blachere, Laurie McGee, Carol Kleinhubert, and Hannah Rivera, I offer my immense thanks.
Writing became easier because of the able assistance in running my office and protecting my time. I benefited greatly from the dedicated and highly skilled support of Cathy Chen-Ortega and her predecessors Essrea Cherin and Myka McLaughlin, to whom I am very grateful indeed. For a writing refuge in nature, I would like to express my special thanks to the fine people of Aspen Winds—Dot, Phil, Sharon, and Ryan.
As the book evolved, the challenge loomed of how to build a solid bridge between the interior world of self that I was exploring and the exterior world of negotiation. In this process of bridge building, I was fortunate to be able to try out the draft manuscript on a variety of readers who were kind enough to give me their thoughtful feedback. I would like to thank Goldie Alfasi, David Baum, Barry Berkman, Shelby Boyer, Todd Brantley, Helena Brantley, Sara Davidson, Francisco Diez, Renée DuPree, Lindsay Edgecombe, Patrick Finerty, Norman Galinsky, Mark Gerzon, Bill Gladstone, Daniel Greenberg, Margo King, Joan Levine, Joshua Levine, Jamil Mahuad, Kiana Moradi, Leopoldo Orozco, Shana Parker, Julissa Reynoso, Stephanie Rostan, Raphael Sagalyn, Monica Sharma, John Siffert, David Sikes, Lindsey Moses Sikes, Roberta Sotomaior, Kerry Sparks, John Steiner, Danielle Svetcov, Elizabeth Ury, Monika Verma, Lauren Wasserman, Joshua Weiss, John Wilcockson, and Tim Wojcik.
This book, in the end, is the fruit of what I have learned from my experience and my teachers. It is to my teachers that I would like to dedicate this book. When I was in my teens, the writings of Friedrich Nietzsche, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Henry David Thoreau deeply inspired me with their philosophy of saying yes to life, come what may. I learned from my close study of the words and life of Mohandas K. Gandhi how essential inner work is to outer action. In my twenties, Roger Fisher enthusiastically introduced me to the field of negotiation, generously taught me about mediation, teaching, and writing, and inspired me to make this my life’s work. I am forever indebted to him as well as to my aunt Aline Gray and my friend Frank Fisher for introducing me to Roger.
Ever since high school I have been a passionate reader of philosophy and wisdom from Plato to Lao-Tzu to Ramana Maharshi, but in recent years I have had the benefit of experiencing such wisdom firsthand from my friend Prem Baba. For his clear, insightful, and compassionate lessons, I am profoundly grateful.
My biggest debt is to my wife, Lizanne, whose love and support sustained me throughout. She listened with deep care and encouragement to each of many drafts. From Lizanne, I have learned priceless lessons about gratitude, presence, and all matters of the heart. She and our children—Chris, Thomas, and Gabi—are my greatest blessings.