Step Seven

Making every effort to stay on the
path of recovery

Every effort needs to be made to stay on the path of recovery. The nature of addiction makes it easy to relapse and for our old habits to reassert themselves. To make matters worse, when we do fall off the path, strong feelings of failure, of not being good enough, and all sorts of negative put-downs can arise. Staying on the path takes a lot of courage, a lot of kindness to ourselves and letting go of who we have been in the world. When we are overwhelmed by an addiction, there is only room for us to be center stage. There may be moments of concern for the people we are harming, but under the weight of addiction it can become all about us, to the extent that some of us may say if we relapse: “Who cares? Nobody cares about me. I’m just harming myself.”

 

Staying on the path of recovery

We remind you of recovery throughout, because our addictions can confuse us and delude us. We need to keep recovery at the center of our lives if we want it. We have to be prepared to put effort and energy into our recovery and not give up at the first, second, third, or fourth temptation. To stay on the path of recovery we have to make that our priority. It has to be the thing we want most in our lives.

If we are to stay on the path of recovery, we have to stop clinging to a rigid sense of self. We hold a largely unconscious belief in a fixed experience of ourselves at the core of our being. We then feel we have to protect or defend ourselves. So when someone criticizes us, or says something that we believe is a criticism, we feel hurt and want to hide or strike back. We have not been struck with a stick or other weapon, but we experience words that we perceive as attacking our sense of self as painful. Or, because we fear others will judge us, we step in first and harshly criticize ourselves. This can lead us to beating ourselves up when we have a slip or relapse.

Staying on the path of recovery is about being in the present moment without any narratives, judgments, or interpretations. The work of embracing impermanence (Step Three) can help us to see what is happening without the filter of a fixed self. Instead, we have a mind full of our present moment and in touch with our own truth.

Early in our recovery we may feel confident about changing our lives and leaving behind our addiction. Sometimes our recovery is precipitated by a dramatic event or a flash of insight, and we feel we can never go back after that.

 

Liam’s story

After seeing his friend die, Liam felt he could never use again. Liam was a recreational drug user. He took Ecstasy every weekend and smoked marijuana during the week. All his friends did this. One weekend, he and a group of four of his best friends bought a batch of Ecstasy. They all swallowed their pills, and five minutes later one of his friends began gagging. There was nothing they could do. They called an ambulance but before it arrived their friend died in front of them. This shook up Liam and his friends. His friends continued to take recreational drugs. As far as they were concerned this was a tragedy, but there had been a one-in-a-million chance that it would happen in their circle of friends. Liam was different – he recalls seeing his friend die. “I was absolutely helpless. As I dared to look at my friend I could see my face in his. I felt sick. I knew in that moment it could have been me. If I didn’t begin to change my ways, I could be dead too.” This tragedy upset Liam, and he began his journey of recovery.

A year after his friend died, however, Liam was desperate. He knew he was at risk of hanging out with his other friends and taking recreational drugs again. He took part in one of our Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention courses. In this course he learned to meditate and to slow down, which helped him to maintain his sobriety. He learned to work with his thoughts and emotions to keep himself in a positive frame of mind, and understood how to take care of himself when he was at risk of relapsing.

 

Although we may begin our recovery in full confidence that we will never use again, our resolve can wane over time. A day, a week, a month, or even a year later, we are back doing what we said we would not do. On its own, a flash of insight or experiencing painful consequences from our addiction is not enough. It takes sustained effort to keep our recovery alive. We will need to keep working on our minds and taking actions to support our recovery.

Great effort is needed to stay on the path of recovery. Applying effort is more than just reading a book on recovery; it is about bringing some of the tools that have been suggested into action. If it were easy, there would be no such experience as a relapse. If we relapse, we can take this as a salient reminder not to give up, even when the going gets tough. We need to pick ourselves up out of the relapse, give ourselves a gentle, firm, kind talking to, and move on. Beating ourselves up and dwelling on the past keeps us stuck and overfocused on ourselves.

The harder we are on ourselves, the more likely we are to relapse. Yes, we need to acknowledge our mistakes, but we also need to forgive ourselves. Relapse may be part of our process of recovery. Shame, anger, frustration, and aversion will not get us better; compassion will. We could use the three-minute breathing space, AGE, as described below.

 

 

Relapse is painful, and we need to experience the ordeal of recovery if we want freedom from addiction. We will have to ride the agonizing wave of desire that arises, and watch it calmly peter out, if we want to be liberated. We will have to apply effort every day. The good thing is, the more effort we apply at the beginning of our recovery, the less effort we will need further down the road. But don’t be fooled. Effort is always needed. There is no time of recovery; recovery is a full-time job, a lifelong journey. A wave of desire seductively luring us toward an old habit can arise at any time without notice. But if we work hard, give recovery all our energy, it will not feel so agonizing two years down the road. Our addictions will not have the same hold on us, will not lure us in the same way, will not speak to us in the same way, and we may even feel repelled at the thought of something we once loved to do.

When we are caught up in our addiction, we can sometimes be proud. We may think we can deal with everything on our own. And many of us have, but at what cost? Asking for help is another tool for recovery that we need to begin to make use of. When we ask for help, we have succeeded in taking some more responsibility for our recovery. We have most definitely not failed. When we ask for help, we are no longer isolating, keeping our secret mess to ourselves. We have found the courage to accept help on our journey of recovery.

 

 

How we practice this step

The four efforts are Buddhist teachings that are part of the path to help us become more awake to reality. They help us become more aware of our inner and outer experiences. These efforts can support our recovery.

The four efforts are: preventing, eradicating, cultivating, and maintaining. In the context of recovery, preventing is exploring ways to prevent us from turning toward our habits, preventing unhelpful thoughts that can lead us to addiction. Eradicating is overcoming existing mental states that create obstacles to our recovery. The effort of cultivating helps us to develop kindness and awareness in our lives. Cultivating new habits and helpful thinking will aid our addictions to stay in remission. Maintaining is the effort of keeping sober and abstinent by encouraging kindness and awareness that has arisen through developing new and positive habits.

 

Preventing unhelpful states of mind arising

Part of the art of recovery is anticipating when we will be at risk of relapsing into addictive behavior. Once we know what situations put us at risk, we can either avoid them or rehearse how to cope with them. For example, if boredom is a trigger to our addiction, ensuring we have sufficient activities to keep us occupied may be an important part of our recovery. If irritation arises when we see a particular friend or relative, and anger leads us to addictive behavior, then we might choose to minimize our contact with this person, or work on staying patient.

Sometimes we can find ourselves unexpectedly in situations that trigger our addiction.

 

Liam’s story continued

Liam was on his way home from the Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention course. He had been asked before he left where he would go after the course finished that evening. He told the group that he was going straight home. But, on his way home, he bumped into some old friends who invited him for a drink. He felt confident in saying yes, as alcohol had never been much of an issue. He drank Diet Pepsi in the bar with his friends, and then made his excuses and said he had to leave. His friends said: “Hey, we haven’t seen you for ages, come back and watch some movies.” Liam told us he panicked, and lost awareness of his body, thoughts, and feelings. He said: “Yeah sure,” without thinking. He went back with his friends. And they all sat in front of a flat-screen TV and watched a movie.

Ten minutes after the movie began, a pipe full of marijuana was passed around. The sight of it made Liam panic again. He lost his breath, and his head became full of thoughts of puffing on the pipe. Then the doorbell rang. “I saw this as a GIFT. I leapt up and said ‘I’ll get it.’” Liam walked out, and practiced his three-minute breathing space, AGE, for just ten seconds. He opened the door, let the person in, and walked back into the room, saying that he needed to get home, as he had to get up for work in the morning. “I was already standing up, and as I spoke I was edging out of the room. Some of my friends grumbled, but soon forgot I was standing there, and I could slip out without much fuss, and return to my plan of going home.”

Liam had applied effort through mindfulness. The door knock was a GIFT, a great indicator for throwing out the influence of his friends. When he was able to slow down, he became aware he was at risk and had to get out of the house, so he didn’t relapse.

 

Taking a breathing space can be a good first action when we find ourselves unexpectedly at risk of relapsing. It can provide the space to allow the beginnings of unhelpful thoughts or emotions to pass, before they become too strong to resist.

 

Mental chatter

One area that we need to be vigilant in is our habitual mental chatter. This can go on in the background without us really noticing that it is happening. For example, we might have the thought: “If I have a drink now it won’t be so bad, I’ll be able to limit it to just one drink,” or “I’m having such a hard time, I deserve a little treat,” or “I’ve created so much trouble in my life, there’s no point in being sober.” These thoughts or rationalizations can creep up on us and lead to craving. Our job is to see them just as thoughts; mental events that come and go. We could even smile at them and recognize our minds being up to their tricks again. Or we could think of them as being like the radio playing in the background, which we don’t need to pay much attention to. We just acknowledge it’s there, and then continue with what we need to do to look after ourselves.

 

Eradicating unhelpful states of mind

In the Buddhist tradition, there are five hindrances that can arise to obscure the mind. They are thoughts and emotions that tangle and overgrow in the mind like weeds, hindering all possibility of seeing things clearly and putting us at risk of relapse. It is important to know what our main hindrances are, so we can begin to pull out those weeds that have taken root in the mind. These hindrances are obstacles of the mind and will get in the way of recovery. If we don’t recognize them, they will contribute to our relapsing. It is extremely helpful to get to know all five hindrances so we are not tripped up on the path of our recovery. They will distract us, sabotage our recovery, and cloud our awareness. So we must be vigilant, as we all experience them to some degree. They can come in pairs, the fifth hindrance underpinning all of them:

 

Sensual desire

Sensual desire is part of the dis-ease of addiction. It is the desire for happiness through sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. We walk past a shop and something catches our eye in the window display. It makes us feel good, we may even salivate, and, before we know it, we are wanting it. We are out in a restaurant happily enjoying the meal, and a waiter walks by with a meal for somebody else. It catches our eye and the next thing we know, we are wanting it. We catch a whiff of smoke, and soon we are craving a cigarette or a joint. We hear a cork of a wine bottle pop or the sound of a can opening, and we begin wanting a drink. We make accidental physical contact with someone, and this can trigger a sexual desire for this person. We taste something, and we want more before we have finished what is on our plate.

There is the sensual desire for the experience of satisfaction that we try to obtain through our addictions. There is also the sensual desire for material things, such as money, property, technological gadgets, and much more. While it is a natural part of being human to experience desire, when it takes over and rules our life, it becomes a hindrance. Most of us want more than we need. Just take a look in your basement, in your garage, in your cupboards, and see how much you have that you don’t even use. Sensual desire is a dominant hindrance for many people with addictions. We need to learn to quell the licking flames of craving.

Moderation in all our desires is said to be an antidote to sensual desire. If we can bring more moderation in our lives, and begin to appreciate the imperfections of life, the weeds of sensual desire will begin to wither. When we seek perfection, we multiply our cravings. Nothing in the end is ever perfect. We can seek perfection, but we will never be satisfied in the end.

 

Ill will

Ill will includes negative mental states like resentment, envy, jealousy, anger and aggression, hatred and complaining. If we have been overcome by craving, ill will comes into being. Ill will punishes and hurts us as well as hurting others. We give ourselves ill will when we have relapsed, because we are unable to let go of our addiction. People who go on a bender (a binge on their drug of choice) can feel much shame and fear when they pull through, which often manifests as ill will. They experienced the hindrance of craving while they were on a bender, and the hindrance of ill will takes over when they come down from their bout of hedonism.

Cultivating loving-kindness will transform ill will (this meditation practice is described in Step Four). In addition, we can begin to respond to the four basic needs of the heart, that is, giving ourselves more attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance to help uproot the weeds of hatred and ill will (see Step Two). The hindrance of ill will can only be pacified with the practice of self-forgiveness and compassion.

 

Restlessness and anxiety

Restlessness and anxiety can manifest as worry and agitation of the mind. We worry about our families and friends who have been affected by our unhealthy habits, but we do nothing about it, except worry. This in turns agitates the mind so much that we can find ourselves turning to our drug of choice to calm our minds down. If we find ourselves not in touch with the breath, our heart racing, our palms sweating, we have probably moved into restlessness. Dissatisfaction can often propel restlessness. And most people with addictions will experience a lot of dissatisfaction. It’s one we need to watch out for, because it is cunning. Living life at a fast pace is a distraction from what is actually going on in our lives.

To counter restlessness and anxiety, we can occupy the breath by engaging in our breathing, and becoming aware of the palpitations in our body. We can stop and pause throughout the day to calm our agitated minds by using the three-minute breathing space, AGE, and through longer mindfulness meditation (as described in Step One). The practice of mindfulness will also help to uproot restlessness. Keeping company with people further along the path of recovery will also help to calm the mind. Learning to become aware of our minds darting all over the place will help us to slow down.

 

Sloth and torpor

Sloth can be seen as inertia in the body, and torpor as the stagnation of thoughts and feelings. Slothfulness is a heavy laziness. It can be brought on by overindulgence and by not facing our unskillful actions. Torpor is a dullness of mind and disinterest in things happening around us. Sloth and torpor and natural tiredness shade into one another and can accentuate each other. This hindrance has been likened to the person we call a “couch potato.” Lethargy of the body often kicks in after a spurt of restlessness, which can manifest as surfing the Internet, manically looking for jobs or for information about campaigns we believe in, or other useless or compulsive behaviors.

We have to take ourselves to task to work with the hindrance of sloth. Literally get ourselves off the sofa, out of bed, and into the fresh air. Pull our ears, even jump up and down to get the vitality back into our bodies. When torpor arises, we have to try to engage our interest, find something that inspires us and gets us motivated. A regular lifestyle and routine will help to maintain our energy, and so make us less prone to sloth and torpor. Inertia and sloth/torpor often mask unskillful actions. We put the duvet over our head and don’t have to think about anything. Overindulgence will also bring about this hindrance. In the end, we need to commit to living a more ethical life. Reciting the five training principles daily will help too.

 

Doubt and indecision

Doubt and indecision underpin all of the hindrances. Doubt undermines our recovery. It hijacks our recovery. Doubt is the hindrance that says: “It’s not worth it. Recovery is not for me. I’ll never make it. I won’t be able to face up to all the harm I have done.” If you keep ending up in the same place, like a relapse, or in negative mental states of anger, resentment, and ill will, doubt has overgrown in your mind. If doubt and indecision are the dominant hindrance for us, it is likely that we find it difficult to commit fully to our recovery, and we will suffer from inability and unwillingness to make up our minds. There is always some element of doubt if we experience the four other hindrances.

Taking time to clearly reflect on our values, on what is important to us in our lives (as in Step Six), can help to uproot doubt. We need faith and confidence in the journey of recovery if we are to succeed. When doubt overgrows in the mind, fear arises, which can be a major obstacle in our self-development. Try not to listen to the thoughts that can tell you: “It’s a waste of time. What’s the point: my partner is going to leave me anyway.” Don’t let doubt make you treat these thoughts as facts. Paying attention to the things that undermine our faith and commitment to recovery is necessary if we are to weed out the hindrances in our minds.

 

Swinging between different hindrances

For many of us who have addictions or are dependent on a behavior to move away from uncomfortable experiences, our dominant hindrances will most probably be craving and ill will. When we are not feeling good we may move into resentment, and feelings of ill will can arise. To anesthetize those feelings we will move toward something that will make us feel better. “What is wrong with that?” you may think. It’s not a matter of right or wrong. It is just that we will end up playing a game of sensations, our mind swinging like a pendulum from craving to hatred, hatred to craving. And inevitably that will cause us suffering, because nothing will bring about lasting happiness.

 

Veronica’s story

Veronica told us she was addicted to feeling high. When we asked her what she meant by that, she said: “Whenever I am sad, I make myself happy. Whenever something awful happens I make myself feel better. I hate feeling unhappy. It feels so horrid in my body. I can’t bear it. I’ll do anything to feel better. As soon as a tinge of pain arises I’m out of my body reaching for something to calm me.” When we asked her if reaching for something calmed her, she smiled and said: “For a few minutes, then I’m feeling hatred at myself and I need to do something else to feel better. I am never satisfied; I’m always chasing that high. I’ll never let myself go down. I am proud of that.” And then she cried. “Let’s do something to make us all feel happy. This is so depressing.” Nobody in the group responded and Veronica was left to sit with her tears. A few weeks after that session, she told us that this had been a turning point for her. In that moment when nobody changed the subject, she could see clearly how she had created a life of misery for herself. Making herself high was like a piece of duct tape that had lost its stickiness over the years.

 

Beware of sloth and torpor and restlessness when you step onto the path of recovery. In recovery we begin to face up to things that we have kept a secret or at bay for years. There will be many of us who will swing from sloth and torpor to an agitated and restless state of mind. These hindrances are more likely to be dominant if we are out of touch with the impact of our habits and addictions on others, or if we have done things in our past that we do not want to face. Slothfulness will manifest as sleepiness, drowsiness, and laziness, and torpor will manifest as boredom. So it is important to be vigilant, because, when we are abstinent and sober, we may find life boring. We need to find new sources of interest in our lives. When we are abstinent and sober we can also feel more alert. There can be great agitation in our minds, because we are trying so hard to keep the lid on our unskillful past actions. Once again we are playing a game of sensations. The mind becomes so agitated and restless that it wears us out, and makes us sleepy and drowsy, and when we feel alert again we are wrestling with the agitated mind.

 

 

Cultivating helpful states of mind

When we follow the training principles outlined in Step Five, we will create states of mind that support our recovery. When we act with generosity or kindness, for example, our actions will tend to promote our happiness and a feeling of blamelessness. Living by our values leaves us with a clear conscience. The experience of a clear conscience can feel like a great weight is lifted from our shoulders. Without anything to blame ourselves for or to beat ourselves up with, we are much less likely to need to resort to our addiction. Practicing responding to the four basic needs of the heart in ourselves, by giving ourselves attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance, along with loving-kindness, cultivates helpful states of mind. Practicing loving-kindness is one of four meditations that are called the four immeasurables, or the sublime abodes. The other three meditations are based on cultivating compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. When we can nourish a helpful relationship with ourselves, it will affect every other aspect of our lives.

 

 

Maintaining helpful states of mind

We have spoken a lot about the importance of responding to the four basic needs of the heart, and cultivating loving-kindness and compassion. These are some of the things that constitute helpful states of mind, free from mental states like ill will. Developing positive mental states will have a huge effect on our recovery.

One aspect of maintaining helpful states of mind is keeping up our motivation for recovery. Motivation tends to wax and wane, and this may be influenced by the external circumstance of our lives.

 

Tracey’s story

Tracey was a cigarette smoker; she smoked forty cigarettes a day. When she became pregnant, the doctor told her that she was at risk of damaging the fetus if she continued. Tracey went home that night, distressed. She lay awake in bed and told herself it was impossible to stop smoking.

“I can’t have this baby. I’m going to have an abortion. It will be easier. I can still smoke.” She shuddered at her thinking. She knew deep down it wasn’t easier, and that she really wanted this baby. She heard a little whisper in her head saying: “You can have the baby if you really want it,” and she screamed inside herself: “Oh yeah, what planet are you on; Mars?” The whisper got louder and said: “You don’t have to smoke.” She woke up in the morning inspired. She wanted her baby. For the first time she could see that she had a choice. She could stop smoking and have the baby. She stopped smoking throughout the whole pregnancy. However, she relapsed once her baby was born. She decided she could smoke in the other room. She lost motivation. There was nothing inspiring her to stop, even though the doctors had told her that her own life was at risk if she continued to smoke forty cigarettes a day. The moment she picked up a cigarette, she was choosing smoking over her own life. She no longer wanted recovery more than smoking.

Two years after the birth of her baby, she came to our Relapse Prevention course. She soon became aware that she was smoking again because, although she wanted to stop, she didn’t want to deal with the difficult feelings, from which she distracted herself by smoking. Now that the baby was born, she had to face the agony of recovery. She was so blissed out by her pregnancy, she hardly had to struggle with the urges to smoke. Once her daughter was born, the urges became too much, and she chose smoking rather than staying in recovery.

 

Are you willing to do what it takes to stay in recovery? How much effort are you putting into keeping up your recovery?

 

Recap

In Step Seven, we make every effort to stay on the path of recovery. We are likely to have to feel the unbearable pain of not turning to our addiction. We ride the harrowing waves of recovery with calm, and know that, every time we surf the pain of recovery, the waves will become calmer. We surf the waves with calm by preventing unhelpful states of mind from arising, eradicating them when they do arise, and cultivating and maintaining helpful states of mind. We get to know our minds by identifying our dominant hindrances. And we breathe.

This is a gentle reminder for us to pause at the end of Step Seven, and take a three-minute breathing space.