INDEX
abnormal relationship
admitting there’s a problem
deactivating strategies (prior to breakup)
distress after breakup
examples
Marsha and Craig as opposing forces
Marsha and Craig story
partner as “the enemy,”
rebound effect
relentless deactivating strategies
royal treatment v.
“smoking guns” of
temptation of returning to
using sex
abundance philosophy
accepting attitude
activating strategies
ADP. See attachment-designated person
affection
avoiding
“cuddle hormone,”
secure person’s
universal need for closeness
Affective Neuroscience Laboratory, University of Virginia
aggression
Ainsworth, Mary
anger
bottled up
bread-and-butter conflicts
can fighting make you happier?
conflict workshop
during disagreement
five secure principles for conflicts
insecure people’s difficulty with secure resolution principles
insecure strategies to avoid
oxytocin v.
partner with children
positive conflict-resolution tactics
preventing conflict
secure person’s
secure principles for making conflict work
anxiety axis
anxious attachment style. See also extreme anxious-avoidant relationship
activating strategies
avoidant styles’ attraction to
babies’
comfort zone v. danger zone
common advice v. attachment science
conclusions from social cues
dating advice for
effective communication for
Emily’s
emotional roller coaster of
finding good relationship
giving secure people a chance
highly sensitive attachment system
likelihood of meeting avoidants
research
response to secure attachment style
anxious/avoidant styles’ mutual attraction
anxious-avoidant trap
Alana and Stan example
case examples of
danger zone
deciding to let go of
escaping from
finding a way around
Georgia and Henry example
Grace and Sam example
intimacy differences
research
secure role model for
security as goal for both partners
telltale signs of
apologizing
Applied Adult Attachment
assertiveness
Atkinson, Leslie
attachment-designated person (ADP)
attachment figure
biology of attachment
attachment-guided treatment
attachment stereotyping
attachment style, identifying your
graph of two attachment dimensions
questionnaire
scoring key
attachment styles
origin of
attachment styles workshop
example 1: avoidant style
example 2: secure style
example 3: anxious style
example 4: avoidant style
example 5: secure style
example 6: anxious style
attachment system. See also anxious attachment style; avoidant attachment style; secure attachment style
of anxious attachment style
anxious/avoidant styles’ mutual attraction
of avoidant attachment style
danger zone
distress after relationship breakup
genuine love v. activated attachment system
as life-long human behavior
redirected, prior to breakup
of secure attachment style
working of
attachment theory
genetic basis of
origin of
Attachment Theory and Close Relationships (Simpson and Rholes)
authentic self
availability
avoidance axis
avoidant attachment style. See also extreme anxiousavoidant relationship
ability to change
anxious style’s attraction to
anxious style’s likelihood of meeting
attraction to anxious attachment style
babies’
coaching session for
deactivating strategies
effective communication for
evolutionary origin of
examples of
idealizing “the one,”
“I’m not ready to commit,”
looking for phantom ex
McCandles’s
research on accessibility of attachment issues
secure attachment style as partner for
self-reliance mistaken for independence
similarity to anxious attachment style
smoking guns that indicate
tendency to misinterpret behaviors
thought patterns of
Baker, Brian
biology of attachment
blood pressure studies
Boston, Ada
boundaries, emphasis on
Bowlby, John
bread-and-butter conflicts
breakup
deactivating strategies prior to
greener pastures ahead
nine strategies for surviving
pamper yourself after
separation distress from
temptation of returning after
Brennan, Kelly
Bunge, Silvia
Campbell, Lorne
Carnegie Mellon University Relationship Lab
Carnelley, Katherine
cheat sheet, for partner’s attachment style
cheating, on partner
“checking out mentally” when your partner is talking
children
Clark, Catherine
closeness, universal need for
intimacy differences
Coan, James
Coan MRI experiment
codependency myth
comfort zone
anxious attachment style’s abandonment of
danger zone v.
secure person’s
commitment
mirandizing
communication, effective
anxious attachment style’s
avoidant attachment style’s
“checking out mentally” v.
difficulty talking about relationship v.
to ensure your needs are met
examples of
five principles of
goals achieved from
how to
insecure person’s difficulty with
judging partner’s response
late in the game
Lauren and Ethan example
Miranda’s Law of Dating
role model for your partner
secure person’s
Tina and Serge
turning supposed weakness into asset
when to use
compromise. See also conflict busting
confidence, secure attachment style’s
conflict busting
bread-and-butter conflicts
can fighting make you happier?
children
five secure principles for
insecure people’s difficulty with secure resolution principles
insecure strategies to avoid
oxytocin
Paul and Jackie example
positive conflict-resolution tactics
preventing conflict
secure person’s
secure principles for making conflict work
workshop
consistency
cortisol
Creasey, Gary
criticism, of partner
relationship gratitude v.
“cuddle hormone,”
danger zone
of anxious-avoidant trap
finding your way out of
dating, feels like job interview
Davidson, Richard
deactivating strategies
avoidant attachment style’s
after breakup
prior to breakup
relentless
decision-making
dependency paradox
devaluation, of partner. See also gender stereotyping
digital age
Dion, Karen
Dion, Kenneth
disorganized style
distancing strategies. See also deactivating strategies
distraction strategy
Doyle, Arthur Conan
ECR. See Experience in Close Relationships questionnaire
EFT. See Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
Emily’s anxious attachment style
emotional brain
emotional bravery
emotional dependency
emotional unavailability
emotional well-being
partner’s responsiveness
secure person’s
your
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
empathic accuracy
encouragement
“the enemy,” you treated as
excessiveness, in contact attempts
Experience in Close Relationships (ECR) questionnaire
extreme anxious-avoidant relationship admitting there’s a problem
deactivating strategies as good thing
examples
getting treated like royalty v.
Marsha and Craig as opposing forces
Marsha and Craig story
rebound effect
relentless/never-ending deactivating strategies
separation distress after breakup
signs that you have become “the enemy,”
“smoking guns” indicative of
temptation of returning after breakup
using sex to push partner away
Facebook
family, introduction to
fear
of being taken advantage of
of commitment
of losing the relationship/getting hurt (anxious)
Feeney, Brooke
female stereotypes
fighting, can it make you happier?. See also conflict busting
flexibility
flirting
cheating on partner
Florian, Victor
forgiveness, secure attachment style’s
Fraley, Chris
friends, introduction to partner’s
frontal cortex
game-playing
as deal breaker
secure person’s lack of
gender stereotyping
genetic predisposition
Gillath, Omri
Gillath MRI experiment
goals, from effective communication
Golden Rules
listen for what they are not saying
reaction to your communication
reliance on one “symptom,”
seeking closeness?
summary
supersensitive to rejection
graph, attachment dimensions
gratitude list
Gray, John
greener pastures, after breakup
hand-holding
happiness
of being part of something bigger
in marriage
only real when shared
Hazan, Cindy
Healing Together (Phillips)
heterogeneity
Hirschberger, Gilad
honesty
wearing your heart on your sleeve
hostility
bottled up
bread-and-butter conflicts
can fighting make you happier?
conflict workshop
during disagreement
five secure principles for conflicts
insecure people’s difficulty with secure resolution principles
insecure strategies to avoid
oxytocin v.
partner with children and
positive conflict-resolution tactics
preventing conflict
as protest behavior
secure person’s
secure principles for making conflict work
hypothalamus
“I love you,” withheld
idealized relationship
“the one” who is never you
ignoring, as protest behavior
independence, self-reliance mistaken for
indifference. See also avoidant attachment style
infant-parent bonding
secure mother’s
inner circle
secure person’s
treated like “the enemy,”
insecure attachment style, difficulty with communicating needs. See also anxious attachment style; avoidant attachment style
insecure people
difficulty with secure resolution principles
strategies to avoid
insecurity
intimacy differences. See also specific attachment styles
in anxious-avoidant trap
in Golden Rules
Into the Wild (Krakauer)
issue identifying
jealousy
flirting
intentionally inciting
Johnson, Sue
Keelan, Patrick
Kershaw, Kathy
Krakauer, Jon
“late in the game,”
letting go
loneliness
in dating
walking away from
love
accessing avoidant style’s
activated attachment system v.
“I love you” withheld
“love quiz,”
misconceptions about
parent-child bonding
physiological unity
secure style’s expectations of
“still waters run deep,”
male stereotypes
manipulation
as protest behavior
marriage
fear of
loneliness in
misconception about
Marsha and Craig story
as opposing forces
rebound effect
relentless/never-ending deactivating strategies
masochistic borderline personality traits
McCandles, Chris
memories, after breakup
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
mental flexibility, secure attachment style’s
Mikulincer, Mario
Miranda’s Law of Dating
mixed messages
“morph movie” technique
mother-child bonding
secure mother’s
“neediness,” as fault
needs
communicating your needs
feels incomplete on own
focus on your
responsiveness to
New School of Psychology, Israel
Niedenthal, Paula
nine strategies, for surviving breakup
non-interference
off-limits topics
“the one,” who is never you
origins, of attachment
oxytocin
pampering, after breakup
parent-child bonding
secure mother’s
parent-child pairs
partner’s attachment style
cheat sheet for deciphering
Golden Rules for deciphering
questionnaire: Group A
questionnaire: Group B
questionnaire: Group C
pets, as inspiration
phantom ex
Phillips, Suzanne
physical affection
avoiding
“cuddle hormone,”
secure person’s
universal need for closeness
physiological unity
Pietromonaco, Paul
plans together
left unclear
reliable and consistent
vacations
your preferences honored
positive conflict-resolution tactics
positive outlook, secure attachment style’s
prevention, of conflict
principles
conflict busting
of effective communication
insecure people’s difficulty with secure resolution principles
secure, for making conflict work
promises, kept
protest behavior
in digital age
typical
Psychological Care of Infant and Child (Watson)
questionnaire
attachment style
partner’s attachment style
reality check, after breakup of bad relationship
rebound effect
rejection, fear of
relationship fallacies
relationship gratitude list
relationship inventory
creating your
Georgia and Henry example
Grace and Sam example
relentless/never-ending deactivating strategies
reliability
research
anxious attachment style
anxious/avoidant styles’ mutual attraction
on anxious-avoidant trap
Coan MRI experiment
empathic accuracy
Gillath MRI experiment
origin of attachment styles
parent-child pairs
vigilance to social cues
respect, secure style’s expectations of
responsibility, for partner’s well-being
secure person’s
responsiveness
to effective communication
judging their
to your needs
Rholes, Steve
rigidity, partner’s
risk-taking
Rocky Mountain News
role model, for your partner
royal treatment
of partner (secure attachment style)
treated like “the enemy” v.
Schaefer, Hillary
score-keeping, as protest behavior
scoring key: partner’s attachment style
scoring key: your attachment style
script, of your message, topic
secret-keeping, for sense of independence
secure attachment style
anxious style’s response to
babies’
buffering effect of
conflict busting
effective communication for
finding right partner for
it’s about your partner’s comfort, not yours
mental flexibility of
partner soothed by
recognition of warning signs
as “super-mates” of evolution
tapping into
when threats go undetected
secure base
secure principles, for conflict busting
secure principles, for making conflict work
security, as goal for both partners
anxious-avoidant trap v.
self-esteem
self-reliance, mistaken for independence
separation distress, after breakup
sex
meaningful
oxytocin
physiological unity
to push partner away
Shaver, Phillip
shyness
Simpson, Jeffry
sleeping arrangements
“smoking guns”
from avoidant attachment style
indicative of abnormal relationship
social cues
social cues, vigilance to
species survival
Spinoza, Baruch
stereotyping, gender
“still waters run deep,”
strange situation case
stress hormones
support system, assembled prior to breakup
supportiveness
survival, of species
symptoms/warning signs
of abnormal relationship
of anxious-avoidant trap
avoidant attachment style
reliance on only one
for secure style to be aware of
that you have become “the enemy,”
temptation, of returning after breakup
Therapeutic Nursery, Columbia University
threatening to leave, as protest behavior
Thrush, Roxanne
turning your back, as protest behavior
Two Attachment Dimension Scale
universal need, for closeness
universal skills
vacation
vigilance, to social cues
warning signs
abnormal relationship
anxious-avoidant trap
partner’s avoidant attachment style
reliance on only one
for secure person to be aware of
that you have become “the enemy,”
Watson, John Broadus
weakness, turned into asset
wearing your heart on your sleeve
Wendelken, Carter
Western culture
Wilson, Carol
withdrawing, as avoidant behavior
“working model,”
your
workshop, in conflict strategies
example 1
example 2
example 3
example 4
example 5
example 6
workshop, in deciphering attachment styles
example 1: avoidant style
example 2: secure style
example 3: anxious style
example 4: avoidant style
example 5: secure style
example 6: anxious style
World War II
your attachment style
graph of two attachment dimensions
questionnaire
scoring key
your integrated secure role model