Normally, Lauren wouldn’t have had the courage—she would have been far too afraid of the hurtful response she might get. But she’d reached a point where she was no longer willing to waste precious time on the wrong person. So she did raise the subject with Ethan, tentatively at first, but she found herself speaking very directly as the conversation progressed: “I’m looking for more than something platonic. What is it that you have in mind?” Contrary to her assumption, she learned that he didn’t find her unattractive. He said he really liked her and expressed his desire for finding a partner. But when she went a step further and asked specifically about his “no-touch” policy, he didn’t have an answer and kept beating around the bush. Although she didn’t come out of the conversation with a specific answer as to why he wasn’t interested in physical contact, she did get a clear picture about their future together—there was none!

Lauren gave up thinking of him as a potential partner, but they remained friends. After Ethan confided in her about several other women he was dating who were obviously also becoming frustrated by his puzzling behavior, she finally put two and two together. The mystery around Ethan’s conduct was not so mysterious after all—it became clear that he was having serious doubts about his sexual orientation. Lauren thanked God she’d had the guts to express her concerns early on, saving herself months of false hopes and certain rejection.

Lauren’s story is an excellent example of the importance of effective communication. Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool. Though it’s used naturally by people with a secure attachment style, it is often counterintuitive for people whose attachment style is anxious or avoidant.

One straightforward conversation with Ethan put an end to all the guesswork and “theories” Lauren had built up in her mind. For Ethan it would have been convenient if Lauren had been willing to simply put up with his behavior indefinitely. He was getting what he wanted—a girlfriend to show off to friends and family (to get them off his back) and time to sort out his sexual orientation. But by expressing her needs, Lauren was able to look out for herself and avoid getting strung along by someone else’s agenda. In this case, attachment style was not the underlying issue, but Lauren had no way of knowing this in advance. If Ethan’s behavior was simply a manifestation of his attachment style, effective communication would have uncovered that as well, and they would have both benefited from discovering early on that their attachment styles were incompatible.

But what would have happened if Lauren had confronted him in this forthright way, causing him great embarrassment, only to discover that his behavior was the result of neither his attachment style nor his sexual orientation but of simple shyness? Well, we know someone who had just such an experience.

Tina’s situation was very similar to Lauren’s. On her third date with Serge, Tina was sitting on the sofa next to him watching a movie and wondering why he wasn’t making a move. She’d also had her share of dead-end relationships and wasn’t willing to waste too much time wondering what Serge’s particular issue might be. So, affecting a coquettish smile, she simply said, “Can I have a kiss?” Though Serge was taken aback for a second and mumbled something under his breath, he collected himself and leaned over to kiss her. That was the last time his shyness was an issue in their relationship, which is still going strong three years later.

In this case, flirtatiously asking for a kiss was an eloquent use of effective communication. Tina expressed her needs, and although there was an awkward moment, her directness gave her relationship with Serge a tremendous push that brought them much closer, not only physically, but also emotionally. Even if Serge had reacted in some other way, and things had worked out differently, it would still have been helpful: People’s response to effective communication is always very telling. It either allows you to avoid getting involved in a dead-end relationship, as in Lauren and Ethan’s case, or it helps bring the relationship to a deeper level, as in Serge and Tina’s case.

Effective communication works on the understanding that we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by your attachment style. They aren’t good or bad, they simply are what they are. If you’re anxious, you have a strong need for closeness and have to be reassured at all times that your partner loves and respects you. If you’re avoidant, you need to be able to maintain some distance, either emotional or physical, from your partner and preserve a large degree of separateness. In order to be happy in a relationship, we need to find a way to communicate our attachment needs clearly without resorting to attacks or defensiveness.

Another advantage of effective communication is that it provides a role model for your partner. You set the tone for the relationship as one in which you can both be honest and in which each has the sacred responsibility to look out for the other’s well-being. Once your partner sees that you can be so open, he or she will follow suit. As you saw in chapter 8, it’s never too late to start using effective communication to improve your relationship. It’s one of the most powerful tools secure people use in their everyday life, with their partner and kids, and at work. It can really transform the way you handle yourself with the people around you.

Say, for example, that you call your partner’s cell phone incessantly because you fear he’s cheating. He decides that he’s had enough and breaks up with you. You’re left second-guessing, wondering if you actually pushed him away by acting so clingy or if he decided that you really just weren’t right for him. You don’t get an answer to your original concern, which is whether he cares enough to listen to your worries, reassure you, and do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and loved.

Therefore, despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we advise you to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and adopting effective communication. We can honestly say that everyone we’ve known who has used effective communication has been grateful for it in the long run. Often, effective communication brings about huge relief by showing you just how strongly your partner feels about you—and by strengthening the bond between you two. And even though in some instances the response may not be what you hoped for and you’ll be convinced that you’ve ruined everything—if only you had said or done something else, he would surely have come around—we’ve never heard anyone say in retrospect that they regretted raising an important issue in a dating or relationship setting. In fact, they overwhelmingly express gratitude that effective communication got them that one step closer to their long-term goal of either finding the right person or strengthening their existing bond.

Take Hillary, for example. She was planning a romantic walk with Steve across the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny Saturday morning, but when she called him he told her that he’d started doing his laundry and would call her later. Seeing that Hillary was upset, her friend convinced her to call him back and urge him to finish his laundry after the walk—it was such a beautiful spring day, after all. Reluctantly, Hillary made the call. Not only did Steve restate his decision to finish up the laundry, he decided he didn’t want to get together at all that day! Hillary was devastated. She was furious with her friend for talking her into calling him. She felt that by showing too much interest, she’d ruined her chances with Steve. Months later, a mutual friend told her that Steve was deeply depressed following his bitter divorce and was far from being interested—or able—to start a new relationship. Hillary realized that pushing the issue that morning had saved her from the grief that Steve’s emotional unavailability would have undoubtedly caused her. At the time, Hillary was very upset with her friend and blamed her for ruining her chances with Steve, but she later realized that her friend had taught her one of the most valuable lessons in relationships: how to effectively communicate her needs. This was the first time that Hillary felt certain that she fully and genuinely showed up in a relationship—no games played. Though things didn’t work out with Steve, she knew that she did her best to make it happen. She also began to discover that more often than not, the reasons why people behave unkindly toward her have nothing to do with her attractiveness or desirability.

Here’s another example of how just stating what you want, without any apologies, can be powerfully effective:

For years, Jena, afraid of sounding desperate, wasn’t up front with the guys she dated about her great desire to get married and have children. When she turned 40 and her biological clock took precedence over everything else, she decided to tell potential partners on date number one that she not only wanted to be a mother, but was only interested in dating men who also wanted to have kids as soon as possible. Though she suspected—and rightly so—that most guys who heard this would run in the other direction, fear of rejection was no longer Jena’s main concern. She did drive a few prospects away but ended up meeting Nate, who, far from being threatened, wanted the same thing. He found it refreshing that she knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to say it. Using effective communication worked out well for her. Today she and Nate are the happy parents of two.

Like Jena and Hillary, you too can learn how to use effective communication, even though it can be a scary prospect if you have an anxious attachment style.

Andres, who has an avoidant attachment style, had been married to Monica for about twenty-five years when he discovered that he had a slowly progressive autoimmune condition. It was incurable, he was told, but given his age, his life expectancy would probably not be severely impaired. It would require periodic lab tests, though. After the initial shock of the discovery, Andres was able to push the thoughts about his condition aside and move on with his life. Monica, however, wasn’t able to do so. She believed that taking the “business-as-usual” approach was wrong. She tried to convince him on several occasions to get a second opinion and do a thorough search on the Internet about his condition. Andres would usually evade these conversations and brush her medical suggestions aside, but sometimes it led to severe clashes between them. Finally, after several months of frustration, he confronted Monica. He knows her involvement stems from worry and concern, but instead of helping, it only serves to remind him again and again of his condition. He trusted his doctor and felt that there was no need for further inquiry. He felt that Monica’s behavior was not only ineffective in improving his health but also harmful to their relationship. Monica realized that she wasn’t helping Andres—it was her way of dealing with such a diagnosis, but it wasn’t his. She understood that she could be a better, more supportive partner by respecting his wishes instead of trying to force her own. Since then, Monica has been able to censor herself more (though not completely), which has allowed the clashes between them to diminish.

But what if Greg used effective communication? He has an anxious attachment style, and the kind of dialogue required by effective communication does not come naturally to him. He is more accustomed to turning to protest behavior. He decides, however, to take a different approach. He turns to Monique: “I’d like to spend the Fourth of July together. Would you like to come with me and my friends or would you prefer that I join you?” Monique responds that she hadn’t thought of inviting him because spending an evening with her old crowd from high school didn’t sound like the kind of thing he’d enjoy, but if he was game, why not? A simple question got Greg the answer that he wanted. Even more significantly, after that first successful precedent, they both find it easier to talk openly to each other.

What if Monique responded differently and Greg’s request had been rebuffed? As always with effective communication, you win either way. Even if Monique had ignored his request and quickly changed the subject, he would have learned something very telling. A red flag based on reality—and not on Greg’s anxious assumptions—would have been raised about Monique’s ability to respond to his needs and sensitivities. We’re not suggesting that Greg should leave Monique immediately if she reacted in this way, but it would expose a smoking gun. Two or three such evading tactics would probably inspire Greg to look for love elsewhere.

But at least until you feel completely comfortable using effective communication, we suggest following this basic rule of thumb:

Although Larry initially resorted to protest behavior, he discovered that, with a receptive partner, effective communication, even when employed late in the game, can diffuse a stressful situation.

When you are not use to effective communication, it can be extremely helpful to formulate a script of the message you want to convey. It’s best not to attempt this when you are upset, and it’s also important to ignore the advice of friends who suggest indirect methods of trying to get your needs met, such as making your partner jealous. If possible, ask your attachment-designated person—ADP (see chapter 9)—or friend who has a secure attachment style or who is familiar with the principles of effective communication to help you compose the right words. When you are sure of the content, recite it to yourself until you feel comfortable with the way it sounds. Having everything written down can help you get over fears about getting cold feet or forgetting your “lines,” and make it easier for you to address your partner with confidence. Once you get the hang of it and experience the positive effect it has on your life, using effective communication will become second nature.

Why do I feel uneasy or insecure (activated or deactivated) in this relationship? What specific actions by my partner make me feel this way? (The relationship inventory in chapter 9 can help you with the process.)