If you’ve discovered that most of your difficulties can actually be traced back to conflicting intimacy needs, is there anything I you can do about it?

Priming for security can be as simple as thinking about secure people around you and how they behave in their relationships. To find such a role model, mentally review the various people in your life, past and present. The secure presence can be someone close like a parent or a sibling, or it may be someone you know more casually from work or through friends. What’s important is that this person has a secure attachment style and a secure way of dealing with people. Once you’ve come up with one or more such people, try to conjure specific images and recollections of the way they interact in the world: the kinds of things they say, how they act in different situations, what they choose to ignore and what they respond to, the way they behave when their partner is feeling down, and their general outlook on life and relationships. For example:

Go over all the secure examples that you’ve come up with and summarize the characteristics that you would like to adopt. This will become your integrated secure role model. This is what you want to strive for.

In attachment research, “working model” is a phrase that describes our basic belief system when it comes to romantic relationships—what gets you going, what shuts you down, your attitudes and expectations. In short, what makes you tick in relationships. It is helpful to understand the ins and outs of your working model as a first step toward identifying patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions that stand in the way of your becoming more secure.

It sometimes may be helpful to go over the inventory with an attachment-designated person (ADP), such as a family member, a close friend, or a therapist. Being able to turn to someone who is familiar with your patterns when your system goes into overdrive and your judgment is clouded by activation/deactivation can give you a new and different perspective. Your ADP can remind you of your destructive attachment tendencies and help you move toward a more secure emotional head space before you act out and hurt the relationship.

Can you identify particular situations that are prone to activate (if you are anxious) or deactivate (if you are avoidant) your attachment system across relationships?

Can you detect ways in which an inefficient working model has prevented you from achieving more security?

What are the main attachment principles at play in your relationships?

The answer to these questions will help you complete the last—and crucial—column of the inventory.

When we interviewed Georgia and Henry for the book, they were constantly quarreling. According to Henry, nothing he ever did was good enough for Georgia, and he was always being judged and criticized. Georgia, for her part, believed that the onus of the marriage was on her. She had to run after Henry to make even simple plans and was always the one to initiate everything—from buying a birthday present for his mother to deciding which apartment to rent. She felt very alone in the partnership. When we encouraged Georgia to start monitoring her working model, which was clearly anxious, she came up with a particular situation that occurred frequently and always upset her. Henry never had time to talk to her during the workday. She would call and leave a message, but he would rarely get back to her. Georgia’s inventory included the following entry:

Henry, who has an avoidant attachment style, was busy at work with patients, and would get frustrated by Georgia’s incoming calls and text messages. When he eventually returned her calls, the dialogue would start off on a sour note that would affect the entire course of the conversation. This is what part of his inventory looked like:

Once both Georgia and Henry analyzed their working models, they started viewing their situation differently. Henry realized that by ignoring his wife’s needs and ridiculing her dependency, he was only making matters worse and causing unhappiness in the relationship. Georgia realized that by using protest behavior she was actually distancing Henry instead of making him want to be there for her, as she assumed. When they sat down and talked about this recurrent issue, they were both better prepared. Henry said that although he did think about her during the day, he was so busy that he just didn’t have time to stop and call. It was reassuring for Georgia to hear that Henry often thought about her when they were apart. She also understood his busy schedule. She just knew that she needed to feel more connected throughout the day.

Sam really wanted Grace to move in with him when she moved to New York City. They’d been together for over two years and he thought that it would be nice to take their relationship to a higher level. Besides, they were staying at each other’s place all the time and think of the rent they would save! Grace preferred not to move into Sam’s apartment. She wanted to rent a bigger place instead, where they could both start on equal footing. But Sam refused; he loved his little apartment and saw no reason to spend money when he owned a place of his own. He was sure that they could make it work. He did have some hesitations, though. He’d never lived with anyone before and he was very set in his ways. But over the years, he’d also felt the loneliness that comes with self-sufficiency and wanted something more. Then when Grace moved in, Sam started to feel the pressure mounting. Sometimes he felt he was going to suffocate. Her things were everywhere. He felt that he was losing his quiet sanctuary, and quite literally that his home had been invaded. Finally one day he lost it—it was about the toothpaste. Grace always squeezed the toothpaste from the middle, while he made sure to carefully squeeze it from the bottom up. When he noticed the distorted toothpaste tube, he became furious and told Grace that she was sloppy and careless. Grace was caught off guard; she’d been trying very hard to make her presence in the apartment unobtrusive, and an attack was the last thing she expected.

And this is what Grace’s entry looked like:

After doing his inventory, Sam realized that years of living alone and believing in his own self-sufficiency were now being challenged head-on. He was overwhelmed and discussed his new understanding with Grace. Grace realized that she was threatened by the fact that Sam was having difficulty adjusting to her presence. She also saw how she was interpreting the situation and reacting to it in a way that was harming the relationship. She liked her sister’s idea of finding a buffer zone. Since Grace’s close friend was going out of town for six months, Grace brought up the idea of subletting her friend’s studio apartment for a while so she would have a place of her own to do her art work and other hobbies without worrying about Sam’s reaction. Sam was surprised at her suggestion. Knowing that Grace now had an alternative made a huge difference to him. All at once he no longer felt suffocated and was less bothered by the changes she made. After six months, during which time Grace barely ever actually stayed at her sublet apartment, she didn’t bother to look for another sublet—Sam and she had adjusted to living together.

Remember that attachment styles are stable and plastic—becoming more secure is an ongoing process. Whenever a new concern, dissatisfaction, or conflict occurs, enter the new information. This will help in your quest to break your insecure patterns. But moving toward security is not only about tackling problems in your relationship; it’s also about having fun together. Find ways to enjoy your time together as a couple—a walk in the park, a movie and dinner, watching a TV show that you both like—and make time to be physically close. Shedding your insecure working model will do wonders for your ability to function in the world at large. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) has demonstrated through her clinical work and writings that creating true security in the relationship and recognizing that you are emotionally dependent on your partner on every level is the best way to improve your romantic bond.

What happens if despite your efforts to move your relationship away from “the trap” and the vicious insecure cycle, you are unable to do so? This can happen either because there is no genuine wish to change on the part of one or both partners or your attempts fail. We believe that when people are in an anxious-avoidant relationship, especially when they are unable to move to greater security, these discrepancies will always be a part of their lives and will never completely disappear. But we also strongly believe that knowledge is power. And it can be very valuable to know that your ongoing struggles as a couple are not because either of you is crazy, but rather because your relationship has a built-in clash that is not going to go away.

We know countless people who, after having struggled with ongoing intimacy conflicts, finally make a shift in their mind-set and find a compromise that they are able to live with:

All these individuals share chronic, ongoing intimacy collisions with their partners. They have chosen to let go of the dream of being truly intimate with their partners and have found a way to live with limited togetherness. They compromise. But make no mistake: The compromise is in no way mutual; it is in fact wholly one-sided. Instead of engaging in endless conflict that results in nothing but frustration and disappointment, they have decided to change their expectations and reduce conflict to tolerable proportions.

Do we recommend taking this route? Our answer is—“It depends.” If you’re in an ongoing relationship riddled with intimacy clashes that you have not been able to resolve, and yet you want to remain in the bond for whatever reason, then yes, this is the only way to live in relative peace. Your satisfaction level in the relationship will be lower than that of people who don’t experience such battles. But it will also be higher than that of people who choose to relive these fights day in and day out without ever accepting that they are about fundamental differences that aren’t going to go away.