The Three Components of Appreciation
NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation:
- the actions that have contributed to our well-being
- the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
- the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
The sequence of these ingredients may vary; sometimes all three can be conveyed by a smile or a simple “Thank you.” However, if we want to ensure that our appreciation has been fully received, it is valuable to develop the eloquence to express all three components verbally. The following dialogue illustrates how praise may be transformed into an appreciation that embraces all three components.
| Participant: |
(approaching me after a workshop) Marshall, you’re brilliant! |
| MBR: |
I’m not able to get as much out of your appreciation as I would like. |
| Participant: |
Why, what do you mean? |
| MBR: |
In my lifetime I’ve been called a multitude of names, yet I can’t recall seriously learning anything by being told what I am. I’d like to learn from your appreciation and enjoy it, but I would need more information. |
| Participant: |
Like what? |
| MBR: |
First, I’d like to know what I said or did that made life more wonderful for you. |
| Participant: |
Well, you’re so intelligent. |
| MBR: |
I’m afraid you’ve just given me another judgment that still leaves me wondering what I did that made life more wonderful for you. |
| Participant: |
(thinks for a while, then points to notes she had taken during the workshop) Look at these two places. It was these two things you said. |
| MBR: |
Ah, so it’s my saying those two things that you appreciate. |
| Participant: |
Yes. |
| MBR: |
Next, I’d like to know how you feel in conjunction to my having said those two things. |
| Participant: |
Hopeful and relieved. |
| MBR: |
And now I’d like to know what needs of yours were fulfilled by my saying those two things. |
| Participant: |
I have this eighteen-year-old son whom I haven’t been able to communicate with. I’d been desperately searching for some direction that might help me to relate with him in a more loving manner, and those two things you said provide the direction I was looking for. |
Hearing all three pieces of information—what I did, how she felt, and what needs of hers were fulfilled—I could then celebrate the appreciation with her. Had she initially expressed her appreciation in NVC, it might have sounded like this: “Marshall, when you said these two things (showing me her notes), I felt very hopeful and relieved, because I’ve been searching for a way to make a connection with my son, and these gave me the direction I was looking for.”