When we are entangled in critical, blaming, or angry thoughts, it is difficult to establish a healthy internal environment for ourselves. NVC helps us create a more peaceful state of mind by encouraging us to focus on what we are truly wanting rather than on what is wrong with others or ourselves.
A participant once reported a profound personal breakthrough during a three-day training. One of her goals for the workshop was to take better care of herself, but she woke at dawn the second morning with the worst headache in recent memory. “Normally, the first thing I’d do would be to analyze what I had done wrong. Did I eat the wrong food? Did I let myself get stressed-out? Did I do this; did I not do that? But, since I had been working on using NVC to take better care of myself, I asked instead, ‘What do I need to do for myself right now with this headache?’
“I sat up and did a lot of really slow neck rolls, then got up and walked around, and did other things to take care of myself right then instead of beating up on myself. My headache relaxed to the point where I was able to go through the day’s workshop. This was a major, major breakthrough for me. What I understood, when I empathized with the headache, was that I hadn’t given myself enough attention the day before, and the headache was a way to say to myself, ‘I need more attention.’ I ended up giving myself the attention I needed and was then able to make it through the workshop. I’ve had headaches all my life, and this was a very remarkable turning point for me.”
At another workshop a participant asked how NVC might be used to free us from anger-provoking messages when we are driving on the freeway. This was a familiar topic for me! For years my work involved traveling by car across the country, and I was worn and frazzled by the violence-provoking messages racing through my brain. Everybody who wasn’t driving by my standards was an archenemy, a villain. Thoughts spewed through my head: “What the hell is the matter with that guy!? Doesn’t he even watch where he’s driving?” In that state of mind, all I wanted was to punish the other drivers, and since I couldn’t do that, the anger lodged in my body and exacted its toll.
Eventually I learned to translate my judgments into feelings and needs and to give myself empathy: “Boy, I am petrified when people drive like that; I really wish they would see the danger in what they are doing!” Whew! I was amazed how I could create a less stressful situation for myself by simply becoming aware of what I was feeling and needing rather than blaming others.
Later I decided to practice empathy toward other drivers and was rewarded with a gratifying first experience. I was stuck behind a car going far below the speed limit and slowing down at every intersection. Fuming and grumbling, “That’s no way to drive,” I noticed the stress I was causing myself and shifted my thinking instead to what the other driver might be feeling and needing. I sensed that the person was lost, feeling confused, and wishing for some patience from those of us following. When the road widened enough for me to pass, I saw that the driver was a woman who looked to be in her eighties with an expression of terror on her face. I was pleased that my attempt at empathy had kept me from honking the horn or engaging in my customary tactics of displaying displeasure toward people whose driving bothered me.