Sometimes mediations get heated, with people shouting at or talking over one another. To keep the process on track under such circumstances, we need to get comfortable with interrupting. Once when I was mediating in Israel, and having a difficult time because my translator was too polite, I finally taught him to be nasty: “Shut them up!,” I instructed. “Tell them to wait until we at least get the translation out before they go back to screaming at each other.” So when both sides are screaming or talking at the same time, I insert myself: “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me!” I repeat this as loudly and as often as necessary until I regain their attention.
When we are grabbing their attention, we have to be quick. If the person reacts with anger when we interrupt, we can sense that they are in too much pain to hear us. This is the time for emergency first-aid empathy. Here is what it might sound like, using an example from a business meeting.
We might view our role as that of a translator—translating each party’s message so as to be understood by the other. I ask them to get used to my interrupting for the sake of resolving the conflict. When I do interrupt, I also check that the speaker feels that I’m translating them accurately. I translate many messages even if I am only guessing, but the speaker is always the final authority on the accuracy of my translation.
It’s important to remember that the purpose of interrupting and grabbing people’s attention back in this way is to restore the process of making observations, identifying and expressing feelings, connecting feelings with needs, and making doable requests using clear, concrete, positive action language.