Since the understanding and expression of needs are essential to resolving conflicts through NVC, let us review this vital concept which has been emphasized throughout this book, and particularly in Chapter 5.
Fundamentally, needs are the resources life requires to sustain itself. We all have physical needs: air, water, food, rest. And we have psychological needs such as understanding, support, honesty, and meaning. I believe that all people basically have the same needs regardless of nationality, religion, gender, income, education, etc.
Next, let’s consider the difference between a person’s needs and his or her strategy for fulfilling them. It is important, when resolving conflicts, that we can clearly recognize the difference between needs and strategies.
Many of us have great difficulty expressing our needs: we have been taught by society to criticize, insult, and otherwise (mis)communicate in ways that keep us apart. In a conflict, both parties usually spend too much time intent on proving themselves right, and the other party wrong, rather than paying attention to their own and the other’s needs. And such verbal conflicts can far too easily escalate into violence—and even war.
In order not to confuse needs and strategies, it is important to recall that needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action. On the other hand, strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take.
For example, I once met with a couple who had just about given up on their marriage. I asked the husband what needs of his weren’t being fulfilled in the marriage. He said, “I need to get out of this marriage.” What he was describing was a specific person (himself) taking a specific action (leaving the marriage). He wasn’t expressing a need; he was identifying a strategy.
I pointed this out to the husband and suggested that he first clarify his and his wife’s needs before undertaking the strategy of “getting out of this marriage.” After both of them had connected with their own and each other’s needs, they discovered that these needs could be met with strategies other than ending the marriage. The husband acknowledged his needs for appreciation and understanding for the stress generated by his rather demanding job; the wife recognized her needs for closeness and connection in a situation where she experienced her husband’s job occupying much of his time.
Once they truly understood their mutual needs, this husband and wife were able to arrive at a set of agreements that satisfied both their needs while working around the demands of the husband’s job.
In the case of another couple, the lack of “needs literacy” took the form of confusion between the expression of needs and the expression of analysis, and ultimately led to their inflicting physical violence on each other. I was invited to mediate in this situation at the end of a workplace training when a man tearfully described his situation and asked if he and his wife could speak with me in private.
I agreed to meet them at their home, and opened the evening by saying: “I’m aware that you’re both in a lot of pain. Let’s begin with each of you expressing whatever needs of yours aren’t being fulfilled in your relationship. Once you understand each other’s needs, I’m confident we can work on strategies to meet those needs.”
Not being “needs literate,” the husband started off by telling his wife, “The problem with you is that you’re totally insensitive to my needs.” She answered in the same manner, “That’s typical of you to say unfair things like that!”
Instead of expressing needs, they were doing analysis, which is easily heard as criticism by a listener. As mentioned earlier in this book, analyses that imply wrongness are essentially tragic expressions of unmet needs. In the case of this couple, the husband had a need for support and understanding but expressed it in terms of the wife’s “insensitivity.” The wife also had a need for being accurately understood, but she expressed it in terms of the husband’s “unfairness.” It took a while to move through the layers of needs on the part of both husband and wife, but only through truly acknowledging and appreciating each other’s needs were they finally able to begin the process of exploring strategies to address their long-standing conflicts.
I once worked with a company where both morale and productivity took a dive due to a very disturbing conflict. Two factions in the same department were fighting over which software to use, generating strong emotions on both sides. One faction had worked especially hard to develop the software that was presently in use, and wanted to see its continued use. The other faction had strong emotions tied up in creating new software.
I started by asking each side to tell me what needs of theirs would be better fulfilled by the software they advocated. Their response was to offer an intellectual analysis that the other side received as criticism. A member on the side that favored new software said: “We can continue to be overly conservative, but if we do that, I think we could be out of work in the future. Progress means that we take some risks, and dare to show that we are beyond old-fashioned ways of doing things.” A member of the opposing faction responded, “But I think that impulsively grabbing for every new thing that comes along is not in our best interest.” They acknowledged that they had been repeating these same analyses for months and were getting nowhere other than increasing tension for themselves.
When we don’t know how to directly and clearly express what we need, but can only make analyses of others that sound like criticism to them, wars are never far away—whether verbal, psychological, or physical.