Carl Rogers described the impact of empathy on its recipients: “When … someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! … When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.”
One of my favorite stories about empathy comes from the principal of an innovative school. She had returned after lunch one day to find Milly, an elementary school student, sitting dejectedly in her office waiting to see her. She sat down next to Milly, who began, “Mrs. Anderson, have you ever had a week when everything you did hurt somebody else, and you never intended to hurt anyone at all?”
“Yes,” the principal replied, “I think I understand,” whereupon Milly proceeded to describe her week. “By now,” the principal related, “I was quite late for a very important meeting—still had my coat on—and anxious not to keep a room full of people waiting, and so I asked, ‘Milly, what can I do for you?’ Milly reached over, took both my shoulders in her hands, looked me straight in the eyes, and said very firmly, ‘Mrs. Anderson, I don’t want you to do anything; I just want you to listen.’
“This was one of the most significant moments of learning in my life—taught to me by a child—so I thought, ‘Never mind the roomful of adults waiting for me!’ Milly and I moved over to a bench that afforded us more privacy and sat, my arm around her shoulders, her head on my chest, and her arm around my waist, while she talked until she was done. And you know, it didn’t take that long.”
One of the most satisfying aspects of my work is to hear how individuals have used NVC to strengthen their ability to connect empathically with others. My friend Laurence, who lives in Switzerland, described how upset she felt when her six-year-old son had stormed away angrily while she was still talking to him. Isabelle, her ten-year-old daughter, who had accompanied her to a recent NVC workshop, remarked, “So you’re really angry, Mom. You’d like for him to talk when he’s angry and not run off.” Laurence marveled at how, upon hearing Isabelle’s words, she felt an immediate diminishing of tension, and was subsequently able to be more understanding with her son when he returned.
A college instructor described how relationships between students and faculty had been affected when several members of the faculty learned to listen empathically and to express themselves more vulnerably and honestly. “The students opened up more and more and told us about the various personal problems that were interfering with their studies. The more they talked about it, the more work they were able to complete. Even though this kind of listening took a lot of our time, we were glad to spend it in this way. Unfortunately, the dean got upset; he said we were not counselors and should spend more time teaching and less time talking with the students.”
When I asked how the faculty had dealt with this, the instructor replied, “We empathized with the dean’s concern. We heard that he felt worried and wanted to know that we weren’t getting involved in things we couldn’t handle. We also heard that he needed reassurance that the time spent on talking wasn’t cutting into our teaching responsibilities. He seemed relieved by the way we listened to him. We continued to talk with the students because we could see that the more we listened to them, the better they did in their studies.”
When we work in a hierarchically structured institution, there is a tendency to hear commands and judgments from those higher up in the hierarchy. While we may easily empathize with our peers and with those in less powerful positions, we may find ourselves being defensive or apologetic, instead of empathic, in the presence of those we identify as our “superiors.” This is why I was particularly pleased that these faculty members had remembered to empathize with their dean as well as with their students.