Summary
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. Especially when we are expressing ourselves in a group, we need to be clear about the nature of the response we are wanting. Otherwise we may be initiating unproductive conversations that waste considerable group time.
Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly. The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.
NVC in Action
Sharing Fears About a Best Friend’s Smoking
Al and Burt have been best friends for over thirty years. Al, a nonsmoker, has done everything he can over the years to persuade Burt to give up his two-pack-a-day habit. In the past, when Al had tried to get him to quit, Burt had often accused Al of judging him.
Aware during the past year of the increasing severity of his friend’s hacking cough, Al finds himself bursting out one day with all the energy and life that had been buried in his unexpressed anger and fear.
| Al: | Burt, I know we’ve talked about this a dozen times, but listen. I’m scared your damned cigarettes are going to kill you! You’re my best friend, and I want you around for as long as I can have you. Please don’t think I’m judging you. I’m not—I’m just really worried. |
| Burt: | No, I hear your concern. We’ve been friends for a long time … |
| Al: | (making a request) Would you be willing to quit? |
| Burt: | I wish I could. |
| Al: | (listening for the feelings and needs preventing Burt from agreeing to the request) Are you scared to try because you don’t want to fail? |
| Burt: | Yeah … you know how many times I’ve tried before … I know people think less of me for not being able to quit. |
| Al: | (guessing at what Burt might want to request) I don’t think less of you. And if you tried and failed again, I still wouldn’t. I just wish you’d try. |
| Burt: | Thanks. But you’re not the only one…. It’s everyone: you can see it in their eyes—they think you’re a failure. |
| Al: | (empathizing with Burt’s feeling) Is it kind of overwhelming to worry about what others might think, when just quitting is hard enough? |
| Burt: | I really hate the idea that I might be addicted, that I have something that I just can’t control … |
| Al: | (Al’s eyes connect with Burt’s; he nods his head. Al’s interest and attention to Burt’s deep feelings and needs are revealed through his eyes and the silence that follows.) |
| Burt: | I mean, I don’t even like smoking any more. It’s like you’re a pariah if you do it in public. It’s embarrassing. |
| Al: | (continuing to empathize) It sounds like you’d really like to quit, but are scared you might fail—and how that would be for your self-image and confidence. |
| Burt: | Yeah, I guess that’s it…. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it before. Usually when people tell me to quit, I just tell them to get lost. I’d like to quit, but I don’t want all that pressure from people. |
| Al: | I wouldn’t want to pressure you. I don’t know if I could reassure you about your fears around not succeeding, but I sure would like to support you in any way I can. That is … if you want me to…. |
| Burt: | Yes, I do. I’m really touched by your concern and willingness. But … suppose I’m not ready to try yet, is that okay with you too? |
| Al: | Of course, Burt, I’ll still like you as much. It’s just that I want to like you for longer! |
Because Al’s request was a genuine request, not a demand, he maintained awareness of his commitment to the quality of the relationship, regardless of Burt’s response. He expressed this awareness and his respect for Burt’s need for autonomy through his words, “I’ll still like you,” while simultaneously expressing his own need “to like you for longer.”
| Burt: | Well, then, maybe I will try again … but don’t tell anyone else, okay? |
| Al: | Sure, you decide when you’re ready; I won’t be mentioning it to anybody. |