The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With this third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” If choosing to take it personally, we might react: “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest: “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
When receiving negative messages, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
Finally, a fourth option on receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person’s action. Speaker B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.
Example 2
A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!”
B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.”
Speaker A attributes her irritation solely to the behavior of the other party, whereas Speaker B accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind it. She recognizes that her blaming way of thinking has generated her irritation. In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to rehire the workers we laid off last year.”
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel … because I … ” For example:
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. When parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school,” they are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, taking responsibility for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It may appear that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.